Tuesday, October 26

‘A handheld grater will make guests want to have sex with you’: the anatomy of an adult apartment | Interiors


TWhat they don’t tell you is that the holidays change as you get older. You get the idea that once you graduate from sticky floors and vodka in plastic cups, you will suddenly be treated to fancy dinners every weekend. Parties where everyone drinks Tempranillo and says thought-provoking things, where the apartment is scented with flax and figs and washed with a warm orange light.

Large pasta wood bowls materialize out of nowhere and there are delicate scraped pear salads. Somehow, there is never a mess to clean up. Everybody wears white pants.

But there are a few things you need for your apartment before you can entertain.

A plant

Plants! I need plants! I am worried about my plants! I need to water my plants! Stay at my house this weekend and water my plants! “

Plants are the apartment status symbols of the 21st century. It is not enough to be able to stay alive, you must show that you can also maintain something in constant growth and need in your home.

You should have a few plants in your living room, with leaves the size of hands, but having a few in the bathroom is also recommended as it adds to the life-and-death drama of what is already the most dramatic room in the house. Hanging plants are the best because they make it look like you’ve defied gravity; This is how you have control of your home.

Your plants should be the type that can survive bitter winters and scorching summers. But maybe even humans won’t survive what the future brings! Haha.

A handheld grater to shave off delicate Parmesan slices

Man grating cheese at dinner
The secret of instant attraction. Photograph: Ben Gold / Getty Images / Cultura RF

Take a large chunk of Parmesan and place it over a pasta bowl, then grate delicate Parmesan shavings on top of the pasta, rhythmically moving the chunk back and forth so that the cheese falls, romantically, like snow on top of a mountain. . It is a scientific fact that if you do this in front of a guest of any sexual orientation, they will immediately fall in love and want to have sex with you. I do not know why. Just past.

(Not vegans).

A candle

Open flames make guests feel relaxed and candles make them feel more relaxed because good ones often cost a lot of money and people really feel safer around money.

Fa young woman relaxing with a book and a cup of coffee in her bed, behind three lit scented candles
‘The best types of candles are the ones that appear to be biblical villains: Santal, Baies, Bibliothèque, etc.’ Photograph: Moyo Studio / Getty Images

The best thing to do is light a candle 15 minutes before your guests arrive, and then when they arrive at the designated time, still have that fake, slightly surprised, ‘Oh, you’re here!’ thing, even though everyone agreed on the time and the candle is already lit.

The best types of candles are the ones that appear to be biblical villains: Santal, Baies, Bibliothèque, etc.

A handmade ceramic plate

You need to have a handmade ceramic plate that is meant for keys but looks too nice for keys, so just put replacement hair bands and buttons in there, which is certainly not what the artist intended.

A beverage cart

It is important for others to think that you are the type of person who comes home after work and mixes a single Negroni or Aperol sour or another drink that makes your tongue want to twist in your throat. This is what successful people do.

Successful people drink exactly one drink a night. They do this while watching the evening news or sitting in an armchair and looking longingly out the window. You may be thinking about what your life might have been like. Maybe they’re thinking of that girl they liked in freshman college and they should have gotten married. Maybe they’re thinking about how on Christmas Eve last year they sent the girl a Facebook message like, ‘Hey … I hope you’re okay! and the girl saw the message and said nothing, so they replied a few days later: ‘I’m sorry! That was not for you. Hope you’re okay anyway! and the girl saw him again and did not respond, and then they deleted her Facebook and deleted her Instagram and deleted her Twitter and told everyone at work that they were doing a “digital detox,” which was met with many congratulations.

Get a bunch of tall bottles of red liquid, that’s what I’m saying.

Elegant interior of the living room
“All your art should make your guests feel compelled to ask you if you’re okay.” Photograph: FollowTheFlow / Getty Images / iStockphoto

A cream colored rug with drawn boobs

Show that you are fun!

A work of art that makes fun of you

Having art in your home is the easiest way to communicate that you are an adult who has discovered all of this, without showing pay stubs to guests to show that you make regular superpayments.

There are two types of art that will make your guests feel comfortable, as they will undoubtedly have similar ones in their own homes. These guys are a) pastel stains and b) art that seems to poke fun at you and all your possessions. This art could be a black and white sketch that includes a caption like, “My house sucks!” or maybe a crying pop art face, with a speech bubble that says, “Is this it?” or a collage of a dog in space with I’M DOING MY BEST, THAT’S ALL I CAN DO written in italics.

This art will make you look self-deprecating and humble about how beautiful your home is. All your art should make your guests feel compelled to wonder if you are okay.

Books

Books! People need to see that you have books! It doesn’t matter what you actually read, and to be honest, it’s almost better not to display those books. Who wants to talk to people about something they are reading? Who wants to pretend to care about other people’s opinions? Exactly.

Man using a laptop at home in an apartment containing a grand piano
People need to see that you have books and a cashmere blanket. Photography: 10’000 hours / Getty Images

Here’s a list of books that you should stack on your shelf without fear of being asked about them by one of your guests, because you haven’t read them either: A Moveable Party, War and Peace, An Inconvenient Truth, Crime and Punishment, Freedom (from I’ve actually read it, but forgot what happened even when I was reading it), The Happiness Trap, anything by Philip Roth, The Road.

A cashmere throw

Vanity in a luxurious concrete bathroom with candles, hanging plants and soaps.
Elegant soap and hanging plants show that you are in control of your home. Photograph: Carlina Teteris / Getty Images

Every house worth visiting has a cashmere blanket on the sofa. The blanket should be placed on the sofa in such a way that it appears that the wind is carrying it there. This cashmere blanket will have cost too much to drop on your lap while eating spaghetti, or letting a dog sit. You should always wash your hands before touching it. You shouldn’t yell in their presence. During thunderstorms, you should give him a reassuring pat to let him know that you have found safety here. You should stop at the door and ask for permission whenever you want to enter the living room.

A wooden dining table.

“This will be great for when we have people!” you say, before you ever invite people to your house and eat all your meals at the coffee table.

Soap made with native Australian plants

If you have any French vanilla or flax scented soap in your house, your guests will probably vomit at the first smell and walk away, because those soap flavors are no longer fancy. The only soap flavors you can have are the ones that smell like camping.

If your soap doesn’t smell like tea tree or eucalyptus or lemon myrtle or acacia or gum nuts, then you are a Luddite and a fraud and probably don’t even use soap. You will probably dive into the mud like a common pig. You probably lick your hands like a stray cat. Probably condition your hair with a handful of lard.

The only soap that matters is the one that might give you a rash.

A record player

Book cover

Now that CDs are dead, it’s harder to show your identity and taste in an incidental but deeply deliberate way. This is where a turntable comes in. A record player is eccentric. It is considered a record player. A record player is so impressive and yet useless that its main value will lie in people walking up to it and saying, “Oh, a record player!” and you will say, ‘Yes’, and that’s where the conversation will end.

Discs are very expensive so just cut out some circles from black cardboard and put them in record sleeves. No one will ask to hear them anyway.

A free room

A place for the old Christmas cards and the clothesline and your exercise bike and the bread maker and the unused desk, the old typewriter you don’t use and your hopes and dreams and broken phones.


www.theguardian.com

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