Among the stories that I have to collect under the title of Absences, I will not miss the story where I exercise my clear revenge for the “exemplary punishments” that I suffered in a prison-type high school, exclusively male, Catholic, apostolic and praetorian, in addition to the rigorous uniform (gala, sports and newspaper) that could have seriously damaged the synapse of many neurons and break the last breath of a free will if it were not for the happily foolish rebellious affiliation to constant mischief and irremediable madness.
It is time to publicly blame the Medina pig, supposedly a shrewd supervisor who whipped with a thick cord from the main curtain rod previously dipped in Campeche wax, so that the lesson would seem biblical and in hell itself I hope the teacher known as Pajarita will rot. , which forced me to memorize I do not know how many logarithms that to date cause painful migraines with insomnia. There is the day that Breton forced me to go to the Paseo de la Reforma and copy the bronze plaques at the foot of a hundred heroic statues and for the record to be photographed along the entire route that took me more than seven hours on a Saturday and there is also the sinister trick with which Capulina demanded a good bite in cash and the purchase of seven rolls for the old typewriters where according to him I deserved to fail his subject of Dynamic Shorthand.
I remember the fierce penance of seven weeks as an altar boy at the Matins Mass at six in the morning for having played a great indoor football cascarita in the chapel and having broken the votive lamp with a great header that ended in a goal, finished off nothing less that for the polychrome bust of Saint John Baptist de La Salle (who was temporarily beheaded for the feat) and later, the obligatory fast that was imposed on me during some confinement exercises where I was falsely accused of having introduced a so-called pornographic card for those few moments of thoughtful leisure prior to public blame.
To finish that little book called Absences I have to add a preface to it where I explain the trauma that gives it its title: it happens that I did not do badly in exams and assignments, but the grades were always lowered due to “absences” since the Lasallian brothers did not assess the high value that it involved escaping over the fence, running away on public roads and applying high concepts of trigonometry to billiards with endless games of carom or the motor and mental coordination that is worked in bowling. In addition, it comes from my inheritance because that book of stories would have to honor the many antics that made my father – known as Gargantilla – a legend not only in all the Guanajuato schools where he was failed, but in more than one convent and seminary where – believing himself infatuated with the religious vocation – he militated with the clear desire to obtain a certificate of studies without ceasing to do mischief each and every day in which he dressed as a novice.
I remember in particular the three or four times when I was sentenced to stand in my high school yard, having rung the bell that let out all the other students and holding in both hands three or four heavy volumes taken at random from the school library and, as the quarters of an hour passed, to endure the irate derision of Brother Paco, who was reviewing my martyrdom at a goose step as if praying in a low voice a litany where he affirmed that donkeys suffer with books more than to blows for supine ignorance and what he defined as “incurable lightness” … and almost half a century later I wish the aforementioned little brother the symbolic answer that he carry on his conscience at least three or four heavy books of my authorship and confirm that all those The punishments were indeed exemplary: an example of his stupidity and pedagogical failure, an example of his obtuse and discriminatory closure, an example of his constant perverse hypocrisy with a goal false breast pests and an example that in the long run they failed to defeat so many prison tactics due to the invaluable safe-conduct of my absences… which continue to add up.
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Eddie is an Australian news reporter with over 9 years in the industry and has published on Forbes and tech crunch.