Lhe first word and the first steps of a child are two milestones that no parent wants to miss. But, beware! Scientists now maintain that the first lies are also fundamental in the maturation of the infant brain.
Therefore, parents should celebrate them as they deserve; not as a scolding, but as a valuable learning opportunity. A study by the Canadian universities of Brock and Toronto revealed that this first lie is usually much earlier than previously believed and occurs when the child is still in diapers. “We were very surprised that so many children lied and that, moreover, they did so at such a young age,” explains Kang Lee, a child psychologist and director of the research, published in January by the specialized journal Developmental Psychology, edited by the American Association of Psychology. The conclusion of the same: children begin to lie at two years of age, about 18 months earlier than previously believed.
Children cannot distinguish between a white lie and another for their own benefit
The experiment conducted by the researchers involved 65 children aged two and three. The main test consisted of a guessing game. Several objects were placed behind the child and he had to guess what each one was based on the clues given by the psychologist. At one point, he left the room, asking the kid not to look back. Unaware of the hidden camera concept, 80 percent of the children turned and looked as soon as the adult walked out the door. When he returned, he would ask them if they had looked. Most of the ‘snoops’ confessed, but 40 percent lied. One in four cheaters was two years old.
Lies, however, everyone knows, have very short legs and, when the interrogation continued to assess the ability of the creatures to cover them up, almost all of them failed. Only three of the 65 children had enough imagination and cold blood to tell a ‘trolla’ and give it a certain credibility. Those little ones turned out to have better cognitive abilities than the rest. They were the smartest. “The earlier they are at lying and the more elaborate and convincing their deceptions are, the better chance they have of success in the future.” They may end up being bankers, jokes Kang Lee.
Growing up between very strict rules and punishments makes children improve their deception skills
Ironies aside, lying requires greater intellectual capacity than being honest. A child who lies must first know what the truth is, then invent an alternate reality and be convincing when throwing it at his interlocutor. According to Kang Lee, Pretty Little Liars have more developed executive function, a series of mental processes that include planning, problem solving, and memory for details. They also show a keener perception of theory of mind, which allows us to guess what other people are thinking. If I lie to you, it’s because I know something you don’t know. That requires me to be able to read your mind, emphasizes Kang Lee. But, beware! That a child lies at two years old does not mean that he is going to be a genius; nor that he will become a compulsive liar. In fact, 90 percent of kids lie with some frequency from the age of four. And that percentage is close to one hundred percent when they reach twelve, the researcher points out.
From the age of eight, lies are more complex and it is difficult to tell if our child is telling the truth or not. One clue is the so-called Pinocchio look. If a child being asked a question looks to the right as he answers, he is probably lying. His eyes are visualizing an image that he has imagined and built into his brain. If he looks to the left, he is most likely remembering a real event and telling the truth.
90 percent of children lie with some frequency from the age of four. And that percentage is close to one hundred percent when they reach twelve
Why do children lie? Hiding that they have violated the rules is the first reason. “In the beginning, they don’t know the rules of society or home. When they realize that they have committed a transgression, they do everything possible to avoid being caught. Lying is something natural and spontaneous to get out of a compromising situation because it requires very little physical effort. You just have to move your lips,” notes Kang Lee.
As they grow, the catalog of motivations also expands. Lying can be part of a game or it can be a way to please adults and not disappoint their expectations. But the fundamental reason is that children are sponges and imitate what they see. This is the case of the child who hears his father deny the phone: “Tell him I’m not here.” Or her mother, visiting, praising the hosts’ food and then criticizing it on the way home. They are white lies, but the little ones are not able to distinguish between the lies that are told to avoid hurting feelings and those that are for their own benefit or to escape punishment.
We actually socialize children to tell lies. The truth is considered too abrupt. And we want that, when they receive a gift they don’t like, they hide their disappointment. They are good manners. Parents are even proud that their children swallow their thoughts and smile politely. And insincerity becomes so commonplace that a six-year-old child lies an average of twelve times a day.
«Lying is something natural and spontaneous to get out of a compromised situation because it requires very little physical effort. You just have to move your lips, “says Kang Lee
As for children who tell the truth, they do so not because they feel morally inclined to be honest, but rather because their cognitive skills are late in developing or not yet fine-tuned. In any case, morality is a highly slippery issue. «We do not know very well when children begin to have a moral idea about lying. Although we do detect certain concerns that could be called ‘moral’ from the age of three. If you tell a child to promise that he will tell the truth, he is more likely to tell it. They kind of feel compelled, which is very interesting, because they don’t really understand what a promise is. If you ask him, he can’t tell you. Although they do not master the concept, they sense that there is a moral obligation to tell the truth, ”explains Kang Lee. “Catching your son telling a lie is an excellent opportunity to explain to him what effect he has on others, why he disappoints you if he lies, and why he makes you happy when he is truthful.” The ultimate goal is to build bonds of trust that resist the desire for autonomy of adolescence, the time that parents are most concerned about.
Parents take pride in their children swallowing their thoughts and smiling politely. The lack of sincerity becomes something so daily that at six years old a child lies an average of twelve times a day
Growing up with very strict rules and the constant threat of punishment does not make children lie less. On the contrary, they seek to improve their deception skills. It can also happen that they become depressed when they are subjected to excessive restrictions. In any case, it is not good policy to be permissive either. The most effective thing is to have a few rules that everyone, parents and children, abide by. When there is trust, the adolescent often prefers to rebel and discuss those rules rather than lie. Paradoxically, it is the children who talk back who lie the least.
CAUSES AND REASONS FOR LIES IN THE FIRST DECADE
HOW THEY LIE AND HOW TO REACT
From 2 to 3 years
Caught red handed
→ What ‘trolas’ count? They are very simple and unconvincing. For example, if they have pooped, they deny it so as not to interrupt a game or avoid the hassle of changing diapers.
→ How to react? It is not a good idea to punish them, because at that age they do not understand that they are doing something wrong.
→ An example. A boy kicks the cat and says it was his brother. The best answer is to explain to them that cats suffer too. He also does not get into an argument to admit the lie. Avoid the shock. Better than saying, “Did you break the vase?” is: “Look, the vase is broken.”
4 to 5 years old
A monster ate homework
→ What ‘trolas’ count? This is the age of imagination: fantasy and reality mix. They tell any story, no matter how crazy. They usually attribute the role of protagonists, which reinforces their self-esteem.
→ How to react? They often insist that everything they say is real and that their imaginary friend exists, but what may seem absurd to us is really nothing more than the way the child’s brain processes new, often disturbing, ideas.
→ An example. If they learn that a grandparent died before they were born, they may fantasize about other relatives dying.
From 6 to 9 years
Little lies and little lies
→ What ‘trolas’ count? Phrases like “I love your hairstyle”. They have learned from their parents not to hurt feelings. Also not to disappoint expectations. If they get bad grades, they will say they haven’t been given them yet.
→ How to react? The main thing is to find out well the reasons why they have lied.
→ An example. In case you catch him in a lie, it is best to have a conversation (not a disapproving monologue) in which his explanations are taken into consideration. But they can’t get away with it so cavalierly either.
From 10 to 12 years
Out of sight
→ What ‘trolas’ count? They need self-affirmation. Sometimes it is not so much about lies as it is about not telling the whole truth or diverting attention so as not to reveal what is worrying them.
→ How to react? Watch for signs of distress or isolation. A lie can be a call for help. Also, chatting with parents is frowned upon by friends. And even less ask them for help. There is no worse stigma than being a sneak.
→ An example. A counterproductive reaction is to tell them: “Don’t come to me with your problems, I have mine. Learn to fend for yourself.”
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Eddie is an Australian news reporter with over 9 years in the industry and has published on Forbes and tech crunch.