TO The New York Times article states the unthinkable: that California bagels are better than their five-county counterparts. The header – The best bagels are in California (sorry, New York), was an affront to the newspaper’s own hometown, and sparked a war of flames between the east coast and the west coast. Chronicle of San Francisco called “the perfect storm of internet dramas.” “Yes, absolutely not,” wrote New York Mayor Bill De Blasio, On twitter. Brooklyn Borough President called the claim “Craziness”. The owner of one of the California stores in question, Berkeley’s Boichik Bagels, said NBC Bay Area she “basically fell” when she heard the news.
As a transplant from the east coast to the west, I feel like it is my duty to add more fuel to the fire. Here are five other things California does better than New York:
Pizza. New York pizza is amazing. But California-style pizza is borderline gourmet, good enough to make for an incredibly mediocre national chain. There’s a reason it’s called California Pizza Kitchen and not New York Slice Shack. California pizza is a thin-crust delicacy that includes bread, cheese, and literally anything else from the kitchen on top, whether it’s tortilla chips and ranch dressing, barbecue chicken, or garlic shrimp – none of this flake of snow “Oh, it has to be good taste” nonsense that you get on the east coast. And you can have it in a cauliflower crust, since even looking at gluten was recently classified as a felony in the state.
Monuments. Sure, the Statue of Liberty may be America’s most recognizable symbol. But he doesn’t hold a candle, or a torch, to the Golden Gate Bridge. After all, what does a statue really do? Yes, it has a good message in favor of immigration: “Give me your tiredness, you poor.” But like so many limo liberals on the Upper West Side, she talks and doesn’t act. While the statue welcomes people to its city, the bridge actually offers them an entrance.
Fast food. This is so obvious that you shouldn’t even have to write it down, but when it comes to fast food, there is nothing better than In-N-Out. Eating the fries always feels like an epiphany, and not just because of the Bible verse lovingly written under the grease at the bottom of the cardboard tray. Normally, such proselytizing would make me uncomfortable, but there is no question that this is God’s favorite establishment.
Unbearable selfish men. Yes, New York is the birthplace of the American high priest of malevolent narcissism, but when it comes to numbers, California wins. We have two entire industries based on megalomania. Los Angeles, of course, is home to more celebrities per square foot than anywhere else in the world. Their need for global worship rivals only the Silicon Valley rulers to the north, who, when they don’t promote fad diets and proper religious practices, spend most of their time destroying democracy.
Self-importance. This one is close. It is true that New Yorkers believe they live in the center of the world; they refer to their home simply as “the city,” even when they are hundreds of miles apart. There are countless songs about it, countless movies, countless books. But New Yorkers also love to complain about New York. Californians’ obsession with their home, on the other hand, is the subject of almost religious fervor. Case in point: I couldn’t tell you what a New York flag looks like. But walk down the street in California and you’ll see the hulking image of a bear and a red star everywhere you look. From the Beach Boys to Tupac, we’ve developed a self-esteem, a legendary sense of consequence – let’s call it “state patriotism” – nowhere else in this country, or perhaps the world, can match.
George is Digismak’s reported cum editor with 13 years of experience in Journalism