Friday, March 29

Being unfaithful with the series | How I Cuckolded My Saint with Don Draper


And then what had to happen happened. It was not planned, although it was inevitable. He kissed me and left; I stayed eating breakfast while I watched the news. I finished the toast, picked up the remote to change the channel during the commercial, and I still don’t know how (I still don’t know, I’ve gone over the scene in my head hundreds of times, but I don’t know, I don’t know what made me do it), I put ‘Mad Men’.

I saw an episode. And then another. And other. I didn’t work, I didn’t do the shopping. When it came time for lunch I had nothing to put in the pot, so I improvised some fried eggs with potatoes. The bastard’s food, as my uncle Pepe used to say. It was an adultery in the morning and during the working day. And justified: the day before I had been waiting for my saint to see an episode together and, when we finally sat down on the sofa, he was transfixed after five minutes. What am I saying: he didn’t even finish the credits. And if he falls asleep, I have to stop the episode until we can both pick up the show. So I was left composed and without Draper.

Don Draper, in ‘Mad Men’. /

CR

That’s why I succumbed to temptation. A beautiful and domestic temptation, within reach, like the apple pie you keep in the cupboard. And he caught me, of course. He noticed when, when I resumed the chapter that night, instead of paying attention to the screen I was looking at my mobile the whole time. “You’ve already seen it,” he told me. “No, what’s up,” I denied. I kept denying it, but he didn’t click. And he got angry. Much. He asked me why several times, and I didn’t know what to answer. In the end, the only thing I managed to say in my defense was that I had promised to be faithful to him in poverty and in wealth, in health and in sickness, but that the priest hadn’t really said anything at all. “Now Father Florencio is going to be to blame!” He told me pissed off. He turned off the television and went to bed.

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Unfortunately, we are not the only ones who have experienced a situation as sad and painful as this, that serial adulteries already have a name: Netflix cheating. What has been cheating on Netflix, come on, although the name of the platform is the least of it. You can put them with HBO, Amazon Prime Video, Disney Plus, Movistar Plus +, Filmin or Apple TV +. You can even put them with a series of La 1, if it catches you off guard and your body is silly. And that shows that watching series as a couple is more difficult than paddling in a coordinated way in a two-seater kayak.

First you have to square the schedules: there are more possibilities to organize a meeting between presidents of autonomous communities than to agree on the agendas. Then, you will have to find a series that you both like: if you want to see a drama, he doesn’t feel like it; if he is more for a light comedy so as not to warm his head, you will say that the critics have made it fatal. Total, you end up going around all the platforms until you find the consensus series. And that’s the worst: the consensus series is neither chicha nor lemon and, in reality, none of you end up liking it. But there you are, holding on. Sustaining your relationship through a fiction.

It may also come into play the issue of subtitles. Another discussion. And, finally, the breaks: what if you go to the bathroom, what if he gets up to get a cupcake, what if you have to answer a wasap, what if he asks you “But wasn’t this one dead?” Anyway. Everything you always wanted to know about relationships, but were never afraid to ask.

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The golden age of series is over

Seeing that our marital harmony was hanging by a digital thread, we went to couples therapy. The psychologist advised us to become an open, liberal marriage, but to maintain a common series that would be our meeting place, our moment of enjoyment, our particular cathodic communion, our screen bed. Now, everyone watches the series they want when they can, but we have one that we share. And that is untouchable, sacred, inviolable. Neither of them can watch an episode separately, and neither can it be abandoned if there is no prior agreement from both parties. But the most difficult clause to comply with remains in force: if one falls asleep, the other gives up watching the chapter until there is an opportunity to do it together.

Tonight we start a new series. If he gets transfixed, I’m getting a divorce.


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