Thursday, July 7

Boris Johnson’s best party excuse is that he’s even dumber than we feared | Juan Crace

FWe finally got some kind of explanation from the prime minister for his alcoholic parties in Downing Street. Turns out Boris Johnson wants us to believe that Boris Johnson thinks Boris Johnson is catatonically stupid. And that the British public is equally foolish enough to believe any old lie that comes to mind. There is only one problem with this. Boris may be dumb, but he’s not that dumb. And the rest of us long ago learned to see through his lie.

These were the prime minister’s questions that Johnson eventually ran out of. An outright denial that he had been to the party on May 20, 2020 would no longer keep him out of trouble as there was anecdotal evidence that he was there. So all that was left for him was to find the best possible excuse and hope he bought out some of the most credulous Tory MPs. Only the best possible excuse turned out to be total shit.

That’s how it went, Johnson said, while making a brief statement before the House of Commons. He acknowledged the sacrifices the country had made and wanted to apologize for getting pissed off at the No. 10 staff in his own backyard.

The point is, he hadn’t realized that the party was a party. When the email was sent, which he definitely hadn’t read, inviting everyone to enjoy the sun and bring their own drink, the last thing he imagined was that a party was about to take place. Even though 60 employees had made that assumption, they realized it was against the law and decided to stay away.

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Anyway, he and his then fiancée (Carrie always came to work meetings) agreed at the party that it wasn’t a party, even though they hadn’t seen the invitation, and they stayed for 25 minutes just because it looked mean. education. Not. He discussed some work matters before heading back to his apartment and remembered thinking how cool it was that so many people stayed up late to work outside with a few drinks.

And he hadn’t even thought the party was a party when he saw the staff cleaning up the voids in the flowerbed the next morning. In fact, it was only when Dominic Cummings mentioned last week that the party might have actually been a party that it occurred to him that the party might have been a party after all. Now he bitterly regretted everything, especially being caught, and all he asked was for people to give him some leeway before Sue Gray presented the findings for her investigation. Hopefully she would be as gullible as he imagined everyone else to be.

Neither of which cuts the ice with Keir Starmer. This PMQ may have seemed like the most open target for the Labor leader, but he still needed to get the ball into the net in front of a packed House of Commons. Which he did six times. Johnson was pathetic: After months of denial, was this the best thing you could come up with? My homework was eaten by a dog. The excuse would be less insulting. The prime minister had attended the party. He had broken the rules of confinement. He had misled parliament when he said how disgusted he was by other No. 10 parties. The country thought he was a pathological liar. He needed to quit.

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Boris visibly collapsed. Unlike Prince Andrew, he knew what it was like to sweat. In issue 10 he had managed to convince himself that his weak explanation might be enough to bail him out. After all, he had a long history of getting out of tough situations by blatantly lying. But now he could feel his optimism fading. He wasn’t fooling anyone. Not even himself. She desperately tugged on her toddler haircut. His eyes folded in on themselves to become bloodshot pins.

The king of idiots ran out of ideas. Even he could see how abject her lies were. He wished himself not to exist. To be elsewhere. Somewhere where he wouldn’t be exposed to the rawness of his own self-hatred. His voice became strangely disconnected. Like an automaton. Without effect. He could only express his regret at the way events had unfolded. A narcissist cannot have empathy and can only feel sorry for himself. And this was finally his tragedy. His fall from grace. He has never felt so exposed. Just wait for Sue Gray. I hope she dematerializes.

Rishi Sunak had become scarce in Devon. “I am right behind you, Prime Minister. 200 miles behind you. ” The rest of the cabinet stared impassively at the floor, their expressions hidden behind their masks. They too would have preferred to be anywhere other than the House of Commons. This was also his humiliation. They were the ones who had put a man clearly incapable of being prime minister at number 10. They knew what Boris was like, but they hadn’t cared. His incompetence and corruption was theirs too.

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The Conservative MPs were also beside themselves. No one dared to really defend their leader; but they did not dare to attack him either. His immorality threw a toxic cloak over the proceedings. Boris was the non-flushing turd that no one dared to mention. So instead, they asked him about irrelevant details of constituency affairs. A county motto. Everything was somewhat surreal.

It fell to Chris Bryant of the Labor Party to have the last word. How stupid did he think we were all? Did you really imagine that even a 10 year old would think he would get away with lines like that? And would it ever be people, like Allegra Stratton, who had worked for Boris, who would end up losing their jobs? Johnson shrugged, still a semi-absent observer of his own downfall. Needs must. If that’s what he needed to survive. It was a fight to the death. Who exactly would soon become clear.

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