Cinderella is supposed to be a fairy tale, but for some her story is a dark, relatable reality.
when Ari Sherfield’s stepfather entered her life, everything changed. At 7, she was put in charge of housework and taking care of her younger siblings. She was also the only one in her family de ella who was physically abused, at times for inane things like “breathing too hard.”
This was in stark contrast to her siblings’ experience: The same parents who abused Sherfield treated her biological brothers and sisters with love, kindness and compassion.
“My mom definitely made it known that she preferred my siblings,” says Sherfield, now 22. “My siblings never had as many chores as I did. I was always forced to stay home while my siblings were allowed to go have fun with friends and do extracurricular activities. … My mother really made me feel like I could never be enough. She would tell me I was hopeless.”
The experience ultimately forced her to cut off contact with her family.
People often assume that abusive people mistreat everyone, but some discriminate in their abuse. It’s what experts call the “Cinderella phenomenon,” which is when one child in a family is singled out and abused while other children are not.
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To this day, Sherfield doesn’t understand why she was mistreated. When her stepfather de ella entered her life, her family de ella became more religious and conservative, and she was resistant to those changes. She’s long assumed she was abused because she spoke out and rebelled. Regardless, she didn’t deserve it: No child does.
In 2019agencies received a total of 4.4 million child maltreatment referral reports.
“There are many factors that relate to the risks of being maltreated,” says Jeanette Scheid, an associate professor of psychiatry at Michigan State University. “Sometimes, it has nothing to do with the child and more to do with the parents’ sense of their ability to manage what they might see as a challenge or difference from the child.”
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When one child is targeted, the abuse they experience can be especially damaging.
“If kids don’t have a solid support system that brings them resilience, that can make the experience even tougher to go through alone,” Scheid adds. “And when kids report mistreatment and don’t feel supported in their safety and well-being, that creates even more difficulty for them to cope with the trauma later on.”
Along with being mistreated and abused by her parents, Sherfield felt isolated.
“I see my brother and sister post (on social media) about how amazing my mother is and how she’s always there for them,” she says. “They all have strong relationships with my mom. … It makes me resentful, honestly.”
The oldest child may be at higher risk
Despite it being called the “Cinderella phenomenon,” the term doesn’t only describe stepparents. Scheid says the term includes abusive biological parents as well.
“It’s pretty broadly used partly because the experience of Cinderella as a character hits so many different things that is reflected in people’s personal experiences. … Some people use it more broadly to reflect on their experience of feeling separated, unappreciated for, unappreciated. “
Jessica Rosacker says her father singled her out in his abuse, beginning when she was 2 years old. He became fixated on unfounded concerns about her she was n’t his biological daughter, and as a result he began to abuse her. Rosacker says the abuse turned physical as she got older.
However, her younger siblings were spared: As the oldest child, Rosacker, now 20, suffered alone and hid the abuse from her siblings.
Scheid says it’s not uncommon for the oldest child to experience the brunt of the abuse.
“Sometimes over time and after having more kids, there may be ways in which abusive parents change as they gain more experience in the relationships they have with their kids,” Scheid explains. “And unfortunately, many times the older child is put into a position of authority, so their parents may have higher expectations of them which could be a contributing factor.”
It can take a lifetime to overcome trauma
Child abuse and mistreatment is prevalent, affecting over 7.9 million kids as of 2019.
According to the CDC, children with disabilities are at higher risk for abuse and neglect. And a child who embodies a “physical reminder” of someone triggering from a parent’s past may be targeted, Scheid says.
It’s critical to encourage victims to seek help. Only 60% of children received prevention and post-response services, 2019 report found. But Scheid says trauma-informed care is especially important, as these children are at higher risk for mental health issues including PTSD, depression, anxiety and suicidality.
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For Sherfield, it took years to overcome the abuse and her resulting anxiety.
“How you are treated by people who were supposed to love you affects your relationships. I had to unlearn all of the toxic behaviors I was shown growing up. I’ve had to learn how to manage my anger correctly, how to communicate without shutting down, not wanting to bring up issues because I’m scared of getting yelled at for how I feel,” she says.
And while Rosacker is still coping with PTSDshe says she did everything to “break the cycle” for her own children.
“I now have two kids of my own, and they are they are living my childhood dream,” she says. “They are the happiest little humans, they are fed, clean, loved and have a safe and happy home. I made a promise to myself I would never let my kids relive my childhood. I have kept that promise to myself.”
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Parents in need of talk support can call the National Parent Helpline at 1-855-427-2736 or the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 1-800-4-A-CHILD. To report child abuse or neglect, contact law enforcement or child protective services in your county.
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George is Digismak’s reported cum editor with 13 years of experience in Journalism