Up to date Christopher Geidt published his findings on the Downing Street flat remodel, John Crace imagines the key exchanges that did not appear in the report …
From the principal minister to David brownlow, November 29, 2020
Hello david,
Can you bend over and give me the cash? The Downing Street flat is a complete council. Imagine the state in which Theresa May left her. The kitchen looks like something installed by Peter Jones. I need an answer as soon as possible.
Boris
From Lord Brownlow to the principal Minister, November 29, 2020
Dear Prime Minister,
It would have been nice if you could have used the word “please”. Are you sure the place is really that bad? I checked the price of the wallpaper and it costs £ 840 per roll, which seems a bit pricey. Plus, it’s totally awful. I don’t mind turning around, but I don’t want to be taken for a ride.
Sincerely yours,
David
From the principal minister to Brownlow, November 29, 2020
Hello david,
He seems to have misunderstood his role. Your goal is to be taken for a ride, and in return, you get a new honor from time to time. You are already a lord; what else do you want? So can we move on? Carrie has already given Lulu Lytle her instructions and I just need to confirm that the money is in place. Not mine obviously because I’m struggling to survive on £ 160,000 a year these days and the child support payments are staggering. Also, I’ve never actually paid for anything and I don’t intend to start now that I’m prime minister.
Boris
From Brownlow to principal Minister, November 29, 2020
Dear Prime Minister,
You’re right. I forgot my place. His taste for soft furniture is impeccable. I will authorize payments immediately.
Sincerely, David
From the principal minister to Brownlow, November 29, 2020
So where is the money? You said it would come immediately. Can you add another great one? Dilyn just chewed through electricity.
From Brownlow to principal Minister, November 29, 2020
Dear Prime Minister,
It will be in your account within the next hour. I’m sorry it took so long.
Sincerely, David
From the principal minister to Brownlow, November 29, 2020
That is ideal. Now, are you sure that no one will know that the money comes from you? It may not look so good if someone finds out. Get it right and I promise to come up with your idea for a Grand Show 2.
From Brownlow to principal Minister, November 29, 2020
Dear Prime Minister,
Sorry for the delay. No one will ever know where the money is coming from because I am in the process of setting up a blind trust. Once it is up and running, it will be free. And thank you very much for considering my Big Show plan. It has been an honor to serve you again.
Shamelessly yours, David
From the principal Carrie Johnson Minister, November 29, 2020
Everything neat. Although he had to agree with his pathetic Great Show fantasy.
Bozza xx
From Geidt al principal Minister, December 2, 2021
Dear Prime Minister,
The above WhatsApp exchange just happened to me. He completely rejects his previous assurances that he had no idea where the money for unnecessary Downing Street renovations was coming from. This not only makes you look like a liar, it makes me look like a complete idiot for exonerating you earlier in the year. Do you have any ideas on how we can resolve the matter in a way that causes the least harm to both of us?
Yours sincerely, Lord Geidt
From the principal minister to Geidt, December 10, 2021
Dear Lord Geidt,
I’m sorry it took so long to respond and put us both in this awkward situation. I’ve been going through my diaries and I think what must have happened is that Dilyn ate my phone, so I never relayed the old messages to you. My mistake, boy. But don’t worry, it won’t be a big deal. Boris.
From Geidt al principal Minister, December 10, 2021
Dear Prime Minister,
Is it really the best you can think of? Nobody is going to fall for that. Please think again.
Yours sincerely, Lord Geidt
From the principal minister to Geidt, December 19, 2021
Dear Christopher,
It seems that we are in this together. So this is what happened. I had to change my phone because my mobile number had been published on Popbitch. And with all the hassle of transferring data to my new recorder, I completely forgot to relay my previous message exchanges with Brownlow.
From Geidt al principal Minister, December 19, 2021
Dear Prime Minister,
Do you really think that’s better? Everyone knows that all the messages in a WhatsApp chain are transferred to a new phone. And even if they didn’t, will anyone believe that he accidentally forgot that someone had just shell out a six-figure sum to rescue him? It’s OK for you. Everyone knows that you are a liar, so they will not expect more of you. But I have a reputation to protect. Any suggestion?
Yours sincerely, Lord Geidt
From the principal minister to Geidt, January 5, 2022
Dear Christopher,
I really think you’re making a fuss for nothing. Donnez-moi a break.
From Geidt al principal Minister, January 5, 2022
Dear Prime Minister,
So this is what’s going to happen. Obviously, I’m not going to find him violating the ministerial code, although he obviously is. We guys have to stick together after all. But I’m going to have to reprimand him severely and make it clear that I have serious doubts about his evidence, but have chosen to take his word for it. Jesus, I can’t believe I’m writing this shit. Everyone knows not to believe a word he says. And in return, preferably after brushing your toddler’s haircut, you will say that you humbly and sincerely apologize.
Yours sincerely, Lord Geidt
From the principal minister to Geidt, January 5, 2022
Top things, Christopher. Any chance you can take over the investigation into the Downing Street festivities? I have Sue Gray breathing down my neck.
www.theguardian.com
George is Digismak’s reported cum editor with 13 years of experience in Journalism