HHumanity is at a low point. Years of entrenched division mean that we can no longer find a single thing to agree on. We are happy to tear each other apart for the slightest ideological foray, howling howls of outrage whenever someone fails to fit into the narrow grid system of our increasingly binary worldview. It’s a tragedy, but it doesn’t have to be that way. What if a brave, resplendent knight came charging a golden steed, presenting us with a truth so simple and undeniable that it could reunite all of humanity as we know it? Wouldn’t that be amazing?
Well, stop dreaming. Actor, screenwriter and producer Paul Rudd has just been named the Sexiest Man Alive. We are saved.
People magazine, which has since 1985 compiled a forensically analyzed sexiness ranking of all the men in the world, has announced that Paul Rudd has finally done it. Of all the men alive today, Rudd is objectively sexier than all of them. Sexier than Michael B Jordan, who was named the Sexiest Man Alive last year. Sexier than John Legend, who was named the Sexiest Man Alive in 2019. Sexier than Chris Hemsworth, Bradley Cooper, Jude Law, Nick Nolte or John F Kennedy Jr, who were named the Sexiest Men Alive in 2014, 2011, 2004, 1992 and 1988 respectively. Sexier even than Johnny Depp, who was named the Sexiest Man Alive on two different occasions regardless. All those handsome bimbos can go in the trash, because Paul Rudd just outdid them all in sexism with one hand tied behind his back.
In response to his new award, Rudd told People: “I’m going to be very supportive. I’m going to own this. I’m not going to try to be like, ‘Oh, I’m so modest.’ I’m making business cards … I hope I’m finally invited to some of those sexy dinners with Clooney, Pitt, and B Jordan. And I imagine that I will be on many more yachts ”. Which may sound like he’s exaggerating for comic effect. But is not. Because Paul Rudd is truly the sexiest man in the world.
Rudd has always managed to be handsome in a way that borders on the miraculous. Not only is there his seemingly supernatural inability to age, he’s only five years younger than Nigel Farage, for example, who has spent the last decade looking like the failed results of a scientific quest to merge Crazy Frog with the concept of gout, but she also radiates dangerous levels of easygoing charm. There is no mysterious darkness for Paul Rudd. There is no indication that he ever tries to rob his wife, although everyone knows that his wife would leave him for him in a second.
And since joining the Marvel payroll, Rudd’s sexiness has only expanded. He’s still the same old fool, except now he’s contractually obligated to briefly show a six-pack on screen once per movie. This recently demonstrated physical fitness means that Rudd has now reached the rarefied state of four-quadrant sensuality. It is pleasing to the eye. He has good hair. He is funny. It’s weird enough to do an Ant-Man trailer which consists of nothing more than him and Michael Douglas slapping their thighs and yelling the word “ants” over and over with increasingly unhinged intensity. For this, ladies and gentlemen, the word sexy was created.
Even his relatively advanced years no longer matter. Rudd is not the oldest and sexiest man alive in history: Harrison Ford was 56 when he was awarded the title in 1998 and Sean Connery was 59 when he was crowned in 1989, but who cares about the age thing? Rudd will be sexy when he’s 70 and when he’s 90. His body could be dug up by robots a thousand years from now and his ruined corpse would be a thousand times sexier than you on your best day. Seriously, ask someone if they have a crush on Paul Rudd, and the only people who will answer negatively are liars or sociopaths.
Sure, you might find people claiming that the whole notion of the world’s sexiest man is a sham, a half-done con man, assisted by a publicist, designed to boost the circulation of a withered post while amplifying the winner’s latest project. (Rudd’s new Ghostbusters movie opens in a week, coincidentally). But this is not a time for cynicism. May we all faint at his feet forever.
George is Digismak’s reported cum editor with 13 years of experience in Journalism