They educate us twice. Parents first and then children. We learn from the shortcomings of the former, which we see fondly from maturity, and then we strive to do much more when we change roles. “Are the children who put in evidence everything that we do not know (or do) do “, explains Mila Cahue, Doctor in Psychology and scientific communicator. We look back at our parents and wonder: What influence did their parenting style have on us? Do we want and, above all, can we exceed your job?
Fernando Sarráis, psychiatrist and author of Family in harmony, Among other titles, he believes that, despite how the time parents spend with their children has been decreasing and the weight of other factors, parenting greatly influences our personality. “It is not so much by what is said as by he humane treatment, the habits that are acquired at home and the love we receive. Family education is important and what we are in the future will depend on it to a large extent “, he highlights.
Various classifications have been made in parenting styles, but Sarráis clarifies that the boundaries that separate the groups are diffuse and that the variability within each one can be very large. Everything starts, in any case, from approach the complex balance between love and demand: “On the one hand, there is affection, play, communication and trust. On the other, the search for good, allowing it to develop its autonomy in a world in which there are rules.” On this basis, the psychiatrist marks four styles that mark forever.
Authoritative: a lot of control, a lot of warmth
It is the most recommended, in the opinion of the psychiatrist. “He combines control and authority with a warm and close treatment. There is love between family members and, therefore, people come first. The rules, although important, are a means to an end, the happiness of children. They are flexible, adaptable to circumstances. If you love your child as he is, you want to stimulate his freedom and responsibility, so the rules will soften over time. When it comes to repressing bad behavior, real affection prevents harsh punishment. “
In general, the authoritative parent you have good communication with your child and reason with him. Things are not done “because I want to” or “because I command it”, but because they seek an objective. The son may agree or not, but he knows that it is not a whim. When you don’t share those reasons, you can discuss them and perhaps convince you to change them.
If this is the style that you received (warm and demanding), surely you were a child with greater adaptation and easy handling. “Friendly – continues Sarráis – and cooperative with adults; less submissive, more resolute and achievement-oriented. This parenting model brings more self-confidence, good self-esteem, and better personal control. It makes people more competent, both socially and academically. “It is the result of the balanced environment in which the child feels loved and respected, at the same time that he is taught to behave, not only verbally communicating what is right or wrong but also educating Your habits.
Authoritarian: a lot of control, little warmth
If your father is authoritarian, he will have exercised control and discipline in a cold and distant way. “Such a parent he establishes rules – adds the psychiatrist – that are an end in themselves and oriented towards his idea of the perfect child. He loves him to the degree that he approaches the ideal that he expects of him. ”Your freedom, your individuality and personality did not count for anything.
“The authoritarian father tries to educate in responsibility, but forgetting that this is impossible without freedom. Punishment, on the other hand, tends to be too harsh, because he considers misbehavior as an affront against the rules and against the family, and also because the brake of love does not exist “. The norms are absolute, they are neither reasoned nor justified. There are also no reasons to modify them, qualify them or look for exceptions. “Authority – adds Cahue – is necessary to educate, but when a limit is exceeded and it begins to be harmful or irrational, it must be corrected before it becomes despotism or cruelty.”
If your father raised you this way, you may be dependent, reckless, withdrawn, irritable, and timid. According to Sarráis, in In this model, aggressiveness can be inhibited or manifested towards oneself, due to the supported pressure. “Dependence is also logical, since the individual did not learn to live by himself, but under the protection and decisions of his parents.”
Permissive: little control, a lot of warmth
He is a father who demands little of his children, who lets them act at will, without putting restrictions on them. Combine lax control with warm treatment. “He does not set rules, or sets few and little demanding, without even monitoring their compliance. It is not because he does not worry about them, but because he loves them so much that he does not want to deny them anything. “Because he loves them, he thinks that they are already good enough or smart. A permissive parent opposes love and demand and by not understanding that both are compatible, give up control.
Cahue highlights the importance of some flexibility to allow children make your own decisions, make mistakes and can mature, but issue a warning. “When that permissiveness turns into manipulation and lack of respect for parents, it must be corrected. This democratic style is very healthy and fun, but someone must have the last word and the final responsibility, and that is the parental figure.”
When a son has lived in permissiveness becomes socially incompetent, acts on uncontrolled impulses, and is conformist and forgiving with himself. It is very possible that, if you grew up in permissiveness, you are also permissive with yourself because of that lack of learning in control, adaptation and demand.
Indifferent: little control, little warmth
They are the families that they do not dictate rules for lack of concern. They neither control their children nor are they affectionate towards them. “They are not lax -explains the psychiatrist- to show their children a total acceptance, but because of a lack of involvement. In some cases they have no interest, nor are they worried about them. In others, they do want to occupy themselves, but they do not have time or energy , probably because of other obligations. They end up disregarding their care. “
In this parenting style there is no conflict between love and control. According to Cahue, the negligence would have to do with the lack of authority and the lack of responsibility regarding the commitments acquired when having a child. Due, the worst educational outcomes are for indifferent parents. They create people who act on their impulses, even the most destructive, especially if the paternal coldness has reached the extreme of hostility.
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