Thursday, May 26

Fear not! Santa has a plan to save Christmas from Covid and Brexit | Christmas

Like many disappointed parents across the UK, on ​​Wednesday morning I received the following letter from the official address of Santa Claus, Santa’s Grotto, Reindeerland, XM4 5HQ.

“Ho! Ho! Ho! It’s me, Santa Claus. I am writing to inform you of the steps we are taking to maintain The Magic of Christmas ™ ® during the pandemic. I think I was the one who said: ‘See you when you’re sleeping and I know when you’re awake. ‘I know if you’ve been good or bad, so be good, for God’s sake. But this year I won’t see you while you sleep and I won’t know if you’re awake. Because this year, I’m not going.

“On Monday, Finance Minister Rishi Sunak zoomed in on me to tell me that my annual distribution of free toys represented an unacceptable socialist intervention in the market. According to Sunak, my magic elves who are enslaved by cakes and my reindeer cast team that evades all border trade tariffs were not operating on a level playing field, undermining genuine businesses.

“I suggested that this approach was the very core of his party’s vision for the post-Brexit business environment, simply becoming a buccaneer Santa Claus, banishing worker rights and bureaucracy in a race to the bottom, in search of economic competitiveness. But Sunak resorted to emotional manipulation, requesting that, in a year in which hardworking retailers need all the business they can get, due to the twin wrecking balls of Covid-19 and possible no-deal Brexit, I immediately desist from me. disruptive activities in the name of maintaining the economy.

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“I was pondering his request when suddenly I got a phone call from the wobbly culture war golem Ben Bradley, Conservative MP from Mansfield, saying he knew for a fact that kids were selling their Christmas presents to raise money for crack clubs and brothels. And that I was a snowflake. “” Mr. Bradley, “I said in amazement,” what happens to snowflakes in the name of Christmas? They are just beautiful. If you can’t see the magic of snowflakes How can you expect him to understand The Magic of Christmas ™ ®? You fucking Tory!

“But while I would love to defy the Conservative government and deliver gifts to their children as usual this Christmas, the sad fact remains that my supply chains have been broken by the virus and it has not been safe for my elves to enslave in my workshop in anywhere near enough numbers to meet demand. On top of that, I am a 1,750-year-old Turkish saint with high blood pressure and heart problems and it is not advisable for me to enter the rooms of millions of children undetected and make my deposits on their bedspreads. If it ever was.

“However, I am determined that between us we can preserve The Magic of Christmas ™ ®. U.S should let the sleeping youth believe that I have visited them, even if I have not. That is why I am giving you, moms and dads, these simple instructions. you should Dig into your depleted savings and buy the same gift for your own children that you would normally have expected you to bring them. you should hide it somewhere safe around your house. Before your children go to bed, should Make a great show by leaving out a selection of delicacies, a carrot for Rudolph and a good single malt and a mince pie for me. you should Avoid having to answer questions about how many mince pies I eat in one night. But if you have particularly precocious children, should tell them that, like Christ’s, my body is subject to the laws of the early Christian doctrine of Docetism; that is to say, my physique is illusory and therefore, even if I eat cakes and drink alcoholic beverages in large quantities throughout Christmas Eve, I am not obliged to go through the expected biological processes of digestion or defecation.

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And if your son counters you, pointing out that this doctrine was unequivocally rejected at the First Council of Nicea in 325 ADand is considered heretical by the Catholic Church, the Eastern Orthodox Church and the Coptic Orthodox Church of Alexandria, you should Explain that many Protestant denominations accept and uphold the statements of these early church councils and that, in fact, there is a desire within the mystical margins of the Catholic community to restore the church to the values ​​and beliefs of its earliest incarnations. And then you should remind them that they should Go to sleep or else Santa won’t come.

“When your children sleep, should Sneak in and hide your gift, now housed in a pillowcase or sack, on or near your bed. Then you should ditching the so-called Santa Claus meal, perhaps leaving some convincing cake crumbs, carrot chunks, and whiskey dregs, to make it look like I consumed the complimentary snack in some rush, having so many houses to visit.

“Your trusting child will wake up in the morning, enchanted by my gift, thinking that I have visited him, when in fact, this year, it was actually you, the parents, all along, performing perhaps the greatest subterfuge of all. time. And if this deception works, maybe we can do it every year. I’m getting older. The world is heating up and the snow is melting and soon there will be no snow-covered workshops to work in or reindeer to ride. Take back control! I give you the reins. You are the rulers of your own Christmas. But I urge you, please, stay home, protect The Magic of Christmas ™ ® and save lives. And remember, never trust a Tory! Santa Claus.”

Watch, and ideally download, Comin ‘Over Here, the Asian Dub Foundation’s possible Brexit single featuring Stewart Lee

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