My fiancehey I have been together for 18 months, but we haven’t seen each other in almost a year due to Covid restrictions. He had a relationship four years earlier, with a girl who claimed that she didn’t like him very much, saying that they always argued. At first, I totally agreed with this, since everyone has a past. However, things started to change after I saw some pictures of them together and on the pIn the last few months I’ve started asking him all kinds of questions, like “Did you go to that place with her?” Y, “Did you try this sex position with her?” Yes he said no, I ‘meter okay, but if the answer is YesI usually end up crying and blaming him. I know it’s not healthy, but I always bring it up on our daily calls. It has become an obsession. No matter what we are discussing, I can always bring him back to his past. If he gets impatient, I get more angry.
I can feel this is affecting our relationship and I want it to stop, but I don’t know how. We can’t create new memories right now. Can this problem be solved only once can meet again, or is there a way fix it up before that?
It’s great that you’re questioning your behavior and want to stop it, because it’s bordering on obsessive and doesn’t bring you peace. You did not say how old you are or what previous relationships you have had, and if this is how you have behaved in them. What did the photos have that made you change from being okay with your past to not being?
When you don’t see someone for a long time, or have daily contact, it can be easy to fill in the gaps with worst-case scenarios, if you so choose. But why you imagine that the worst is what we have to look at, as well as the answer that your boyfriend could give that would make you feel better. If there isn’t one, then what you are looking for is outside of his gift and within you.
If there is no genuine reason to distrust your partner, and nothing you said made me think there is, why do you want to find fault? Is it a way to protect yourself? And if so, of what?
I went to Nicole addis, psychotherapist. She said that sometimes people with trust issues may want to see their early childhood attachments: how they felt when they were little; if the love they received was conditional. These are all things that can affect our ability to trust as we age.
People who have had difficult bonds with their parents may self-sabotage their relationships once they reach a certain level of intimacy or involvement, because they may find it overwhelming (after all, being around someone in childhood resulted in pain). So they are the architects of the failure of that relationship. In these cases, no response will be reassuring enough until the person has done some work on himself or herself. We have no idea if this is relevant to you, but if it is something that you acknowledge, you may want to explore this further, perhaps with a therapist or a good friend.
Whatever the cause, I asked Addis for some practical advice for you. He explained that when something scares or threatens us, we stop thinking rationally. We panic. Addis suggested looking at what triggers it, trying to steer clear of it if possible, and taking a deep, relaxing breath. “Build up the facts, educate yourself with reality,” he suggested. “Your fiancé is telling you that nothing is wrong and there is no evidence to the contrary, right?”
Try not to get carried away by what can go wrong. This will not be easy, but it is worth persevering. If you feel like you’re going to start asking a lot of questions, maybe (politely) end the call and talk to a friend – let them hold back your distress about this. You need to break the cycle of initiating conversations that don’t bring you relief; It must be exhausting for both of us. Maybe replace daily calls with emailing each other every other day? You will have more control over what you say and you will be able to review your words and edit them.
This will probably be easier to handle when seen, but if you are prone to this behavior, it is worth looking for the root of it because otherwise it may not go away completely. In the meantime, what if you talked about things you have done together or plans for the future? What if you made the conversation about the two of you instead of him and someone else? Maybe that makes you feel more uncomfortable.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a problem related to the family submitted by a reader. For advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your issue to [email protected] Annalisa regrets not being able to establish personal correspondence. Presentations are subject to our terms and conditions
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George is Digismak’s reported cum editor with 13 years of experience in Journalism