Sunday, June 13

How do I let my friends know that sometimes I need help too? | Friendship


I am a 37 year old gay man. I don’t want a “another way”, because i like being singlebut I’m always there for my friends, even during this pandemic. However, I recently discovered that they are not really there for me. None of them ask how I’m doing, even after sharing something that has bothered me.

Sometimes I need a little care, a hug, a little support or something to lift me up too. I don’t hate being that person to them, but I hate myself when I try to lift up a friend in need. when I haven’t taken care of something of my own.

I guess my real dilemma is: how Do I let my tribe know that I may need their support too??

I think it may be stretching too much. Confinement has been emotionally draining for many, and it is easy to ignore the psychological burden we have been carrying. So it could be that, with fewer reservations, you are now seeing things as they are and have less patience to put up with what you used to tolerate. He says he recently discovered this about his tribe, but is it this new behavior from his friends or a new understanding on his part? Because they too can be emotionally drained.

talk to psychotherapist Dwight Turner (psychotherapy.org.uk), who said, “You sound like a good-hearted person, who wants the best for those around you. But one of the things about Covid is that it has brought up things that perhaps we had not had to think about or that we had not wanted to think about before. Now, with more time and space for us, these things are harder to avoid. “

Turner also wondered what you would get out of being so helpful. This is nice, but something to keep in mind: “Sometimes by helping others, by putting ourselves at the center of their world, we could be ‘saving’ others to save ourselves.” In other words, sometimes we give others the help we really need.

It’s great to be helpful and “there” for others, but it becomes a problem when, as Turner put it, “anger and irritation increase. That shows that a line has been crossed and you need to start thinking: How do I take care of myself? What about me?”

If none of the members of your circle are there for you when you need them, or have ever been; if none of them are curious about you and never have; then there are two things you must do.

First, look at your part in this. Some people mistake this for guilt, but it’s really about taking responsibility and it can be very empowering (always remember that you are the only person whose behavior can change). Does it seem like you’re coping and life isn’t bothering you? Do you refuse help or never offer it? If someone isn’t listening to you or isn’t there for you, why do you keep coming back for more? What do you hope will change by doing this? What if you weren’t always there for your friends and instead put yourself first every now and then?

If we are not careful with certain people, Turner explained, “we can be the mirror that reflects them, while remaining invisible. [ourselves] to them “. It could be that, in an attempt to hide your vulnerability and perhaps loneliness, you’ve built a protective shell that is so effective that people think it’s okay. It takes courage to admit the vulnerability. Where did you learn this behavior from? What has it taught you to keep giving? “Turner wanted to know.

The second thing to consider is opening up a little more to people. Start with those you feel most comfortable with and trust the most. Could you ask what impression they have of you and why don’t they ask about you? It may be interesting to see what they say. In fact, do you ask for help directly? People don’t read minds, and while you wish they were as sensitive as you are, not all are.

Hope your friends answer well. But, if you try all of this and they don’t respond the way you would like, then it’s time to start thinking about the value of these friendships. The fear of loneliness can sometimes bind us to the wrong people, but few things are more lonely than being with people who don’t really see us.

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a problem related to the family submitted by a reader. For advice from Annalisa on a family matter, send your issue to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets not being able to establish personal correspondence. Presentations are subject to our terms and conditions


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