The question I am a guy in my 20s who is also asexual. And no, I’m not gay. I can’t feel much, physically. I don’t see it as a problem, but people draw conclusions online. Nobody but me knows. I’m in a relationship with this beautiful girl and we’ve only been physically intimate occasionally (once or twice a month, I’ve been with her for four months), but that’s okay because she doesn’t have an insatiable need. But she doesn’t know the real me and I feel like I want to be honest with her. And I’m afraid he might leave me because he once said that sex solves all problems in a relationship, I disagree.
For me, sex is repulsive. I hate it. I also have problems with my erection, because I just don’t feel anything. She thinks it’s erectile dysfunction. I do not want to lose her. I wish I could be with asexual people, but that scene is quite abysmal.
I want to have an honest love, I am romantic, I love to hug, kiss, hug, cuddle, whatever, but not sex. And I’m so depressed that I can’t be myself. I want to love someone who loves me equally. Love is love, love is not sex, and sex is not love. Should I tell him or should I hide this terrible secret and bury it along with my decomposing body 6 feet underground in about 60 years?
Philippa’s answer I got worried when I read, “I’m so depressed that I can’t be myself.” Being yourself with others is important if you are not going to suffer long-term loneliness. It is especially important with a potential partner or partner. It seems such an obstacle to you that your solution, presented as a joke, is to wait for relief through death. I’m glad you see this as a long way to go, but I was concerned that you mentioned death as a solution.
To really understand another person and be understood, we don’t have to be the same. We don’t have to have the same feelings, or lack of feelings, the same etiquette, or even have the same opinions. But we have to be willing to make ourselves vulnerable to share how we experience ourselves and our world, and to be willing to share those responses, feelings, and thoughts with the other, and we have to be open to being impacted by the other. in turn. The important thing is that we can get closer to understanding how someone feels and feel for them and feel for them in our turn.
The image that came to mind about this is that you reach out and then quickly walk away in case you get burned. His experience was that people jump to conclusions quickly. Do you think it is possible, and may I be wrong, that you have jumped to conclusions about them and then assumed they gave you the same treatment? I felt alienated by your words, “And no, I’m not gay” because I didn’t enjoy your assuming what my answer would be. It made me wonder if you can afford not to be sure how someone else might feel you. I also felt that when you reported your girlfriend saying, “Sex solves all problems in a relationship,” you may have made some assumptions here as well, rather than figuring out what she really meant, because that line could have a lot of interpretations. If we only have a relationship with another person in our head assuming we know how they will respond to us, we are not really having a relationship with them.
Don’t be too quick to put yourself or other people in a box. A trial is like an end point and stops the discovery of more. Once we put a label on something, we become less open to discovering ourselves through our own unique experience and through honest conversation with others. You experience yourself as asexual and you have no problem with that. This is great! It’s a healthy sexual orientation, like being gay or straight, and you can still have normal relationships. But I don’t think your asexuality should keep you from being curious about yourself. Your feeling that “sex is repulsive” can be an area of exploration. Other questions to think about might be: who did you get the idea that sex is disgusting? And how has your personal story influenced how you think and feel about sex? The more you increase your self-awareness around this, the more you will be able to share with the people with whom you want to experience intimacy. You’re right, to experience intimacy and love you don’t necessarily have to be sexual, however, you do have to be open.
Short answer, yes, risk rejection and talk to your girlfriend. Stay open to dialogue and don’t end the conversation with assumptions. Be curious about yourself and others. If your girlfriend feels that she cannot live without sex, you may feel sad for you and I am sorry if there is, but about 1% of adults share your guidance. I don’t see your problem as a lack of potential partners, but rather as your fear of burning out. Maybe not burning, just a little smart, then you can try again. Maybe if you can stay curious, that asexual scene won’t be as abysmal as you thought.
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George is Digismak’s reported cum editor with 13 years of experience in Journalism