Since I started dating my girlfriend six months ago, I’ve had the feeling that something is a perfect fit., in a way I’ve never felt before. In past relationships, I have had periods of insecurity and mismatches in terms of energy or expectations. Here, so far, there has been none of that. The few misunderstandings we have had have been resolved in a way that has left us feeling better than before. There is a lot of warmth and affection; we trust and respect each other, and the sex is very good. I don’t feel like anything is missing. Sometimes I guess a little more passion or excitement could be nice, but I attribute some of this to the stress of pandemic times. Dice our healthy sex life, I’m not hung up on it.
Here’s the problem: I always imagined dating someone for at least two years before considering the next steps (marriage, children). Both of us are on the same page about wanting these things one day. When I met my girlfriend, she had accepted the possibility of not having children biologically as she is approaching 40.. Should i mention I am 30 years old, also a woman, and I would like to have children biologically if I can, although presumably I have more time. Yet how we have become close, has made some comments suggesting she would like the experience of having a child biologically, if possible. I’m sure he would never push me for that. Of course, I can’t make this decision on my own, but my question is: if the feeling is good, if the relationship feels good, Is jumping worth it? Should we take the Steps to having a child together so early in our relation? Or at least, proposE the option?
You seem to have a good feeling about this relationship, but it’s great that you’re being so thoughtful, because it’s about having kids and that deserves contemplation.
I consulted with relationship psychotherapist Jo Coker (cosrt.org). She thought their relationship sounded “really refreshing, really in tune” and there were a lot of good signs, including being able to work on things together and finding a positive solution for both of you when things went wrong. But we both wonder where the idea of waiting two years came from and if you could challenge this. “Is it,” Coker asked, “something you’ve seen in peer groups or in your parenting record? What have you seen magically happen after two years? “
“Sometimes when we are younger,” Coker explains, “it can take longer to reach the set stage.” As we get older and get to know each other better, we can often get to this stage earlier. “A relationship,” says Coker, who has sat with many couples in her 20 years as a therapist, “doesn’t have to be long-term to be good… relationships tend to be as good as the day they are. “
Perhaps your girlfriend had put the idea of motherhood aside until you came along, and something about the strength and promise of your relationship has allowed her to look at the perspective again. She also says that she would like to have a child, so these are all things she needs to talk about.
“Their relationship,” says Coker, “is working well and it’s solid in terms of their communication skills. What needs to be considered is whether you agree on how the pregnancy would happen. Who has the baby and what impact would it have on your relationship at this stage? “
In my opinion, this is where your energies should go next: the logistics and the nuts and bolts of having a baby. Often only when we talk about how we feel and what we want, and see the reactions of others, do we acknowledge those feelings ourselves. And of course it is the only way to know if you are on the same page in terms of result and time. They both seem capable of speaking very well, which is a huge plus. Can you talk to other people who have been through a similar journey? What parts did you find challenging?
What many new parents find difficult is figuring out not only how physical tasks are shared, but also who carries the emotional burden. You talk about jumping, which sounds reckless, but you don’t sound reckless. Jumping in with a little thought and knowledge sounds sensible. Keep me informed.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a problem related to the family submitted by a reader. For advice from Annalisa on a family matter, send your issue to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets not being able to establish personal correspondence. Presentations are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.
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George is Digismak’s reported cum editor with 13 years of experience in Journalism