Wednesday, August 10

Like herpes simplex, Johnson’s ministers had begun to look like a lifelong condition | Marina Hyde

TO It was a great week for the people of Westminster and its many idiots, then, when Boris Johnson finally started shuffling his cabinet. It’s always exciting to see one’s ministerial bestiary get some new entries and actually tear off some of its pages, as certain prominent creatures are deemed too grotesque or wary to hold onto their places.

We will start with the “in memoriam” reel. Media Minister John Whittingdale was brutalized, which he at least would have enjoyed. Robert Buckland’s sacrifice was unexpected, as the now-former attorney general and chancellor discovered, at the same time as everyone else, that he was as highly rated as an Airbnb with pubic hair in the soap and claw marks in the basement.

Less surprising was the departure of Gavin Williamson, who has finally been dethroned in education. It was starting to feel like once you had Williamson, you’d have him for life. Like childhood trauma or the herpes simplex virus. He has been replaced by Nadhim Zahawi, whose origin story it is being heavily touted as more impressive than “found in a basket in a Scarborough fireplace.” Gavin now carries his whip and office tarantula to the back benches, which isn’t a sentence you can really imagine writing about a previous headline from his office, like Shirley Williams or Tony Crosland, but maybe we have the secretaries of education that we deserve. In which case, you have to wonder what this generation of schoolchildren was like in their past lives. High-ranking Nazis? Lung worms?

In the dwelling, the statue of Robert Jenrick has been knocked down, a reminder that no matter how many silly articles you write about awakened mobs, it’s always possible that one day a snowflake prime minister decides he simply doesn’t understand your historical value. Jenrick will now be able to spend more time looking at photos on Richard Desmond’s phone, a sentence I wrote with heavy duty hazmat gloves.

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Anyway: Dominic Raab. I like the way Raab refuses to realize that his cabinet career has the life expectancy of a woman who was just answered by the announcement of their lonely hearts by Dominic Raab. I’m kidding, of course! In fact, when called to hear that he was being demoted from foreign secretary, Raab is said to have refused to consent and defended himself harshly – words normally associated with investigative officers honoring the victim. . Dominic now has a total of four job titles, which in the newspapers is the time when they put you in with your occasional media column and your anti-alcohol implant, and dedicate you to “oversee” a mentoring program that will cut into six months.

Meanwhile, contrary to reports, Nadine Dorries’ shift to culture was predicted, unfortunately, by the Book of Revelation. Previous ostrich anus eater Nadine is at home hallucinating crazy cultural assaults: lefties are “silly panto“He once said, while harshly attacking the opposition. “Nicky Morgan has a £ 1,000 Mulberry bag” Nadine pointed out during Theresa May’s presidency, “but criticized PM’s pants. Hypocrisy of rank. “Nadine’s handbags are reasonably priced and useful for hitting homosexuals.

Even so, I had to resist the viewer’s suggestion that Nadine “will oversee a more forceful attitude towards the culture war aspect of her report.” Sorry, but what culture war aspect of your report? Psychologists say that if you give a child a gift and he ends up playing with the box, then the toy you gave him was too complicated for him. If you give a minister a summary that covers all media, UK data strategy, big tech regulation, 5G rollout, cybersecurity, charity sector, all sport and creative industries over £ 100bn, and they spend as much as ONE NANOS SECOND stoking some culture war nonsense over the panto, that’s not so much fiddling with the box as shitting in it. And no one, apart from other babies, wants to see that.

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Dorries replaces Oliver Dowden, who always seems to be giggling along with the bully’s joke about him, making it hard not to see his move as party chairman when Prime Minister Biff Tannen gave him a still-unclear form. of briefs. I guess it’s appropriate that Dowden is back at a party job. He has never had a proper job outside of Westminster, except for about five minutes at a public relations firm, which has denied him the business experience that should have sounded the alarm bells until planned sale of Channel 4 he’s busy.

If the government goes ahead with this cultured stupidity, it will wipe out the indie sector that the channel largely built up, which you would think would be a big downfall, but it will likely win them the public support of Britain’s vast and coveted network. -Clue-about-business demographic.

And so on to the supply chain crisis, a problem that Johnson gave away this week to his former traitor Michael Gove, shortly before Gove was also moved into housing to solve that crisis as well, and to solve what the hell you just did. do. Let’s say that to get elected, the phrase “level up” actually means.

Who else? Oh yeah: the new foreign secretary, Liz Truss. No prime minister wants to look in his magic mirror and see that someone else is more popular. Truss is slightly more positive than Snow White, he is twice as likely to be involved in a musical number with some birds and squirrels, and he is generally adored by all the inhabitants of the conservative forest. Boris Johnson has moved her from signing trade agreements with remote territories to visiting them.

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Yet despite all the reaction from the thrill effect, there were a host of people who didn’t budge, from Priti Patel at the Home Office to mastermind Lord Frost negotiator. Many of them seemed to have spent the first part of the week playing not to sell. Take Thérèse Coffey on work and pensions, whose Who’s Who entry lists her interests as “breaking bad news”, and who was quick on Monday to defend the planned elimination of the £ 20 universal credit increase with some nonsense about that’s just two hours’ overtime, indicating that the current secretary of state had no idea how the benefit was designed. Of course, Thérèse knows that it does not matter whether what you say is true or not; You just have to think of some crazy old cobbler to get noticed. Is that why the overall aesthetic is “Carl Beech with a nice chiffon scarf”? One to consider.

However you shake it, the Tories took it very well, having spent much of the summer not knowing if they are in the shit or in the shamrock. This week it was a lot of clover. As for the electoral black site to which the Labor Party has long surrendered, it shows no sign of having been escaped. Shuffling ministers is preferable, but it’s still very difficult to imagine Starmer shuffling anything other than loungers.

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