SOrry, but all I want to see Matt Hancock do against the back of his office door is slide down with his head in his hands. But you can probably count on Boris Johnson not firing him for having an affair. It would be like being fired by Stalin for being a bit of an idiot to work with.
Still, Hancock will be glad that the British Antarctic Territory has been added to the green list, just like they have added it to the shit list. Suddenly, it seems like the South Pole is worth packing your bags. Temperatures are currently minus 87, but it feels like minus 108, making it considerably less icy than any of Matt’s current climates.
That said, if Hancock ends up resigned to this, it would fit the general mood of twilight in UK national history. Nothing says “a country that is going to be very successful on its own” like a guy who gets away with contributing to tens of thousands of unnecessary deaths but has to quit because of a trembling knees. It’s like having Al Capone for making out.
So, to the Secretary of Health “smoking clinch”With Gina Coladangelo, the lobbyist and friend of many years whom he took on as an assistant last year (although he did not initially declare it), and who was subsequently awarded a Non-executive paid director in the Department of Health. Footage of this has somehow found its way from the security cameras in Hancock’s office to the sun cover, in a WORLD EXCLUSIVE that feels like a huge surprise to the editors of the Matt Hancock App. Guys … what happened?
One can only speculate on how the newspaper obtained the original material, although it suddenly reminds me of a quote from last April from a Downing Street official, who commented to the Sunday Times: “There is not much love for Matt Handjob here.” Not at the Health Department, perhaps.
Somehow the only thing to remember about Hancock, other than the app and parkour and the crying on TV – is that when it was discovered that Professor Neil Ferguson had broken the lockdown rules in conducting a relationship, Hancock he went to TV to smoke: “You can imagine what my views are. It is a matter of the police ”. So yeah, it’s a shame to see sex cop Matt Hancock arrested for sex crimes. But a reminder that canceled culture always devours its children.
Anyway. To the many, many, many sentences your 2019 self would not have understood, add: “BUT THIS WAS TWO WEEKS BEFORE THE HUG BAN WAS LIFTED!” Absolutely devastating to think that a full 10 days later The Clinch happened, Hancock went on TV specifically to warn people who were thinking of hugging a loved one that they “should be careful.” Turns out we could have hugged people very tightly, with our tongues. Unless they were our relatives, I think.
“I really want to hug you too dad,” Hancock smirked at the camera. in that same interview. “But we will probably do it outside and keep the ventilation going. Hands, face and space ”. Honestly, did you ever do it? How can I trust a politician to teach me a lesson on how to hug me after this?
However, going back to today, and an early statement from another of the health secretary’s assistants, disguised as an anonymous “friend” of Matt Hancock, would only go to the sensational revelation that “no rules have been broken” . Hancock himself has since said that he accepts “that I violated the social distancing guide,” which is one way of putting it; while this morning, Grant Shapps defended his honor. That doesn’t exactly feel like the Kitemark. Arguably the only way this story could be more dignified now is if a “friend” suggested that the health secretary, as a precaution, had used a lingual condom.
As for the media maelstrom, I know a lot of her tears might have a hard time liquefying, but we can at least comment slightly on the category five surprise Hancock is currently having. He’s being serially harassed by sniper Dominic Cummings, who released WhatsApp messages last year showing the prime minister calling Hancock both “desperate” and “fucking useless.” A somewhat unbearable mention followed in the Queen’s own dispatches on Wednesday. “I just spoke with his secretary of state for health,” Her Majesty told Boris Johnson. “Poor man.”
And now all … this. As for suboptimal career patches, this is the shitty British version of the one that became known when Bill Clinton’s affair with Monica Lewinsky was revealed. The next day, the colonel in charge of carrying the “nuclear football” briefcase asked the president where the codes were to open it, and Clinton was forced to admit. I had lost them months ago. Hard week. Worse for Hillary and Mrs. Hancock, obviously.
According to his Downing Street spokesman, Boris Johnson considers the matter closed that his Secretary of State for Health broke his own board of health and has nothing more to add. Something for separated families to rage as they read about Hancock pushing hard to delay double penetration from treating amber countries as green. In the meantime, I’d say as fun as the footage is, they should probably investigate the CCTV leak urgently. Obviously, it is not good for images of government ministries to be handed over or sold to third parties.
As for Hancock, I read this morning that his work is now “hanging by a thread.” Luckily for him, that thread will likely turn out to be made from Spiderman’s super-strong web fluid. After all, it’s hard to escape the suspicion that, on an absolutely elementary level, this is what Johnson wants from his cabinet.
It’s not just that the prime minister had a lifelong boner for ancient times, where Greek and Roman gods were grotesquely fallible and morally compromised, and where he could imagine a creature of his various illnesses and appetites sitting on top. of Mount Olympus. No, we can only conclude that Johnson wants Matt Hancock, Gavin Williamson, and others to be bad at their jobs, because that provides cover for his own professional shortcomings.
Why else would he keep someone he clearly described as “fucking worthless” as his royal health secretary at the time of a devastating pandemic? Why else would you keep someone who consistently and demonstrably fails children and youth as your education secretary at a time when they deserve better?
The answer, unfortunately, is that by staying in place, guys like them serve as useful human shields. And I don’t see why it shouldn’t be the same with these kinds of scandals. Johnson must be very happy to be surrounded by the erring and the compromised, because now he has shit coverage too.
George is Digismak’s reported cum editor with 13 years of experience in Journalism