Wednesday, November 25

My 10 year old son has started sleeping in my bed. Am I wrong to allow it? | Life and Style


Before the lockdown, my 10-year-old daughter slept in her own bed every night without any problems. She is an intelligent and happy girl, although a little shy. He eats well, has good friends and loves life. We have talked about coronavirus to try to alleviate the fears you may have, and we are very open; I feel like she knows she can talk to me about anything.

However, during the crash she started to I want to be in my bed every night. Her great-grandmother died in January and she says she misses her. I didn’t think that she would be very affected by his death, because he had I met her only a handful of times – then or his death has affected you more than you thought, or is using it’s a way of showing me that you need me without telling me the real reason.

When I put her to bed in her own room, she yells at me, asking when I’m going to go to bed and for a hug. When I go upstairs, I can’t stand her feeling upset or lonely, so I let her into my bed. I don’t care because I’m a single mother. When I was a child, I I cried myself to sleep, scared most nights, because I had no parents available. But am I doing wrong? Is it possible that he really mourns his great-grandmother, Or do you think there may be a problem that he doesn’t tell me about?

There may be a topic that you are not discussing and you may not even realize, or your great-grandmother’s death may have triggered something. As it did you handle death? She may also be worried about your death or about you in general. An event like this can be very destabilizing, even for adult children.

When children suddenly want to sleep with their parents, it is easy to think that it is because they are afraid for themselves, but sometimes it is because they want to watch over their parents. I notice that you are attending to their needs, but who is attending to yours?

If you are a regular reader, you will know that I am an advocate for attachment parenting. There is nothing wrong with wanting to comfort your child during the day or at night (I am always amazed by parents who attend to all their children’s needs during the day, but they feel that this should not extend into the night, when everything gives more fear ). But we must also be aware of who we are raising: our children or the child in us whose needs were not met when we grew up. Because the ultimate goal is to raise independent and loving children.

I consulted child psychotherapist Alison Roy. You said allowing your child to sleep with you is not a problem in itself; Many children do this and then return to their own beds when they are ready, but there are a few things to keep in mind.

Generally speaking, she said that “children can keep getting into bed when certain needs are not understood [and met] during the day. “Roy asked about the day and what happened.” If you can, try to spend more time with her during the day and be very present when she is with her. “He also asked if you two had any difficult conversations about grief and coronavirus. You didn’t say what was discussed, did you keep it pretty superficial? When having these conversations (not before going to bed), talk about the nuts and bolts: for example, what happens if you get sick (another family, support network, etc.). Could she be worried about school too?

It may be tempting to avoid bringing up these topics, but remember that these feelings do not go away if they are not discussed; they just rot and come out in other ways. And if you show your daughter that she can talk about these things, you also show her how to tackle difficult topics.

Roy also suggested that a good question is, “How can I help you feel safe at bedtime?” And that when you put your daughter to bed, instead of going straight downstairs, save some chores to do upstairs so she can hear you, for example, put away the laundry.

So are you doing something wrong? No. But keep in mind that if allowing him into your bed is an easy fix for something else, maybe both of you, then you need to dig a little deeper.

• Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a problem related to the family submitted by a reader. For advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your issue to [email protected] Annalisa regrets that she cannot establish personal correspondence. Shipments are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms.

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