There comes a time in the education and upbringing of our children that we do not know what to do with them: we do not obey, US they shout (we also shout), they don’t want to do their homework, they don’t want to clear the table when we finish dinner …
Our sons and daughters they ignore our orders and requests and despair begins to overwhelm us. Faced with this challenging situation, what can we do to make our children obey us? The answer can be found if we observe the Causes why our son has this behavior.
Why don’t our children want to obey?
María Soto, an expert in positive discipline and creator of Educa Bonito, points out that many times we worry much more about the conductIn this case, they do not obey us, and we do not pay attention to the emotion that hides behind that action. “His behavior is important, but the emotion for which he reacts like this is more important,” he says. And it is that disobedience and that discomfort that our son presents is his way of reacting to an unmet need.
If our children do not want to obey or do what we ask, we must pay greater attention to the needs it presents in order to redirect its behavior.
Lack of connection
How do our children perceive us: as unapproachable authority figures who only give orders or as people with whom we have a connection?
The connection is essential for our sons and daughters to trust us and want to carry out orders. “By pretending that they obey us, many times we distance ourselves so much from them that it is their own search for connection with us that makes them feel insecure, restless, etc. And from those unmet needs, the wrong behaviors are born. They do not see us available as connection figures, but as vertical and unreachable authority. If your son always misbehaves, he is doing everything possible to be taken into account, ”says Soto.
Limits, norms and orders are necessary, but provided that they are surrounded by love and affectionate bond. Because otherwise, without this connection, our children will see the orders as rules with which to rebel and confront us.
How many times a day do we send orders to our children?
The teacher and writer Carmen Guaita questions us and asks us directly in this presentation about the number of times we ask and send orders to our children and how much time we invest in having a real conversation with them. “What percentage of the day and of the relationship with your children does it take to give instructions and give orders? A high percentage. What percentage of the words we dedicate to our children are scolding? One day and another may pass us in which the conversation with our children has consisted of giving an order, giving an instruction and scolding “.
If communication with them is based only on orders, there will be no real communication. “How many times do you ask your children questions that include the answers? Mathematics is awful for you, right? How many times do we ask about their activities? For your wishes, what do you want to have a snack? But never for his feelings. How have you felt? ”Asks Guaita.
What to do while the anger remains?
The first step we must take when our children do not want to obey and get angry is keep calm. Our children will have emotions on the surface, so responding with emotions of anger or anger will only increase the tension. Likewise, we must allow them to express their emotions. If we do not legitimize that in those moments they express their anger, we are denying their emotions.
Once they calm down, we have to take advantage of that moment to talk with them and be able to explain to them that they have the right to experience those emotions, but that they can express their anger in another way. “Being able to ‘read that door slam’ will help us redirect it from respect, because by feeling connected with us, we can teach them that any need can be expressed in a more balanced way,” says Soto.
How can our children carry out orders?
The Screams They are usually the most used tool for someone to obey us, not just children. We turn to them because we don’t have or know of other tools to enforce a set of rules.
Amaya de Miguel, creator of Relax and Educa, expresses that the key for when we want our children to comply with orders must be firmness. For this firmness to be fulfilled, the rhythms that we carry, the routines and the rules must be very clear. We cannot let our moods affect our firmness when carrying out orders. “Today emotionally I am fine, I leave you more things, today emotionally I am bad, I leave you less things. Today I am tired, because today you watch TV more because that way I can rest. This leaves them completely arbitrary, it all depends on the mood of adults and children. The day that their emotions are easier they know they can do more things, but the day that they have the most complicated emotions, that they cannot control them, they find themselves with restrictions ”, explains Amaya de Miguel.
For this reason, Amaya de Miguel proposes that we have some fixed routines and rules that are always followed. “Every day you go to bed and get up at the same time, the food is this way, the schedules are met. Every day you clear the table ”, he exemplifies.
Hold them accountable for their actions
Beyond obeying, our children have to take responsibility for their actions and have to live the consequences that they entail. Antonio Ortuño gives us the keys so that our son begins to take responsibility for his actions:
- Let our children make decisions and live the consequences of your actions.
- Talk about the consequences that they can have their acts if they do not comply with a norm.
- Talk to our children about their responsibilities and let them take over.
- Allow them to solve their little problems, debating with them about possible consequences or repercussions that we anticipate to support them to make the decision that they believe is the best.
- Understand that our educational objective must be to teach them to choose well and not obeying, and even less depending on our emotional overflow.
Eddie is an Australian news reporter with over 9 years in the industry and has published on Forbes and tech crunch.