My daughter is in it 30 years and leads an independent life with a demanding job, which gives him a lot of satisfaction. His mother and I parted amicably 20 years ago, and my daughter he lived largely with his mother. However, we saw each other regularly, we traveled a lot together and I have always been very involved in his life.
The problem is that my daughter often makes barbed comments to me, which can be hurtful.. However, he is extremely susceptible to the slightest criticism, and there are issues that I feel I cannot. argue with her. It seems like you need to put me (and maybe others) down in order to feel better. He does not always find life easy, he has low self-esteem and has suffered from depression.
You’ve mentioned a couple of times recently that people don’t seem to like it very much.; This makes me worry about his future happiness. As far as me I am aware, she has never had one “Romantic“Relationship, although he has often said that he would like to have children. However, she has close friends who are clearly very important to her. His relationship with food is also complicated and, as a result, he is severely overweight. That’s another area I doubt board with her.
My dilemma is whether to go for “hard love“And express my concern; I fear that it is counterproductive and damages our relationship. My biggest concern is the happiness of my daughter.: Identification rather she was Fat and happy how thin and miserable. I think you probably need professional help., but she needs to acknowledge the problem herself. Any suggestion will be welcome.
I wonder if we could see this differently. As you no doubt know, you cannot control what someone else does or send them to therapy. All we can do is look at our own place in things.
I consulted psychologist and psychoanalyst Stephen Blumenthal (bpc.org.uk) who said, “It may be more productive for you to think of this as your problem than your daughter’s.” He wondered what his daughter’s opinion would be. We both felt that your letter was exposing your daughter, more than yourself; Is it your concern that she is hiding something you might not want to see about yourself?
Blumenthal wanted you to step back a bit and see how friendly the breakup really was, seen from the eyes of your daughter (or even your ex-wife). “Perhaps something is still unresolved for your daughter, and perhaps she feels aggrieved?” For his part, Blumenthal wanted to gently invite him to think if there was some guilt surrounding the breakup. We’re not saying there should be, but guilt is a very hindering emotion. It can force people to make concessions about the behavior of others, which can make them feel resentful (I think this could be what you are doing when you talk about not being able to say what you want). Or it can make them angry, because they feel like they can’t express their emotions, and the stress of that puts them on the defensive.
There are ways of showing concern for your daughter that draw a line between tough love and saying nothing. I wonder if you asked your daughter directly if something is wrong. What discussions did you have about your depression? Do you still spend time alone with her? And what if, instead of being silent or critical, you asked him if he’s okay or why he’s making these comments?
Blumenthal also wanted you to think about the vulnerability of both: “People often feel that if they expose their vulnerable side, they will be criticized instead of responding kindly.” I wonder how vulnerable they both allow themselves to be with each other. There seemed to be a lack of authenticity between you: you need to be more honest with yourself about how you really feel about your daughter and what, if anything, you might be projecting onto her.
I see that you care about your daughter, but I advise you never to mention her weight. Do you think she doesn’t know? If your concern is for her happiness, then it begins with curiosity about her and acceptance of who she is now, not with judgment.
• Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a problem related to the family submitted by a reader. For advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your issue to [email protected] Annalisa regrets not being able to establish personal correspondence. Presentations are subject to our terms and conditions
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George is Digismak’s reported cum editor with 13 years of experience in Journalism