The dilemma I am a woman in her 30s. I have financial independence, a job that I love, my own home, wonderful friends, and pets that I adore. Despite all this My parents, whom I love very much, still treat me like I’m 10. My spending (including groceries) is monitored. New clothes or books are noted and discussed. I’d like to try new hobbies, but my mother always comes up with a reason why I shouldn’t. With my father it is more about my physical safety: I am not allowed to travel or accept jobs in certain cities.
I tried to walk away limiting calls and only visiting once a week. This has not been successful. I feel like I am unable to function without their input or presence, but is it because I need them or because of how they raised me?
I suffer from physical and mental health problems. My poor physical health it is one of the reasons they are so protective. As for my mental health, as a child I was told that this was “just who I was”. But recently I he was diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, social anxiety, and depression. It makes me cry to think of the opportunities i missed by not understanding how i felt and the rules I used to stay “safe” was not normal. I want to begin to discover who I am, but I find that my parents clinging to the past suffocate and demoralize me. I I know every part of this is from a place of love but this makes it even more difficult to set limits. How do I make positive changes without ruining a Love relationship?
Mariella responds It is time to break free. And any healthy and loving relationship is one that allows and encourages you to do so. Now that I am a father, I try whenever possible to absolve the sins of those who raised us, but in this case, what is definitely needed is to set limits. For reasons that I will not go into here, I had to, at 30, have a long and hard conversation with my mother. It didn’t end well because most of the conversations with her didn’t. What I was forced to impart on that occasion was that she needed to take responsibility for her own life so that mine could evolve. Having to raise her through her romantic and financial traumas made achieving my own dreams a challenge. It was time to switch roles. From the age of 16 (and even earlier) I had supported her emotionally and often financially and, in my mid-30s, I experienced a Damascene revelation, partly thanks to therapy, that I would always strive for fulfillment in my own life. in the meantime. since I was on call to regularly repair my mother’s.
I’m sure your parents’ urges are motivated by the right things, but they are committed to a pattern of behavior that hurts you. It sounds like you’ve given your parents a lot to worry about, but I have no doubt that your anxiety was probably also fueled by your authoritative and stressful life control.
I’m so glad you’ve received a proper diagnosis, and hopefully now a professional guides you beyond the claustrophobic walls of family life. Obviously, everything I say here must be placed in the context of your mental and physical health, neither of which can be diagnosed with the blunt tool that is a one-sided card. But you would be surprised how many of my correspondents over the past two decades have possessed remarkable clarity about what prevents them from achieving their wishes, which makes my work easy to push or sometimes push hard in a particular direction. .
Today I have a Queen song running through my head, and it’s not just because this is my last column for him. Observer – I want to be free it should become your theme song. With professional help propping up, it’s time you hit the road to autonomy.
Your parents must understand that by protecting you, they are also holding you captive. It is not easy to walk away from what you know and love without knowing what awaits you, but life is long and full of lessons and one of the best is that although there will be ups and downs, without them there is no life at all. . I do not know if you have ever felt the force that runs through you when you stand with your arms outstretched and let yourself be carried away by a gale. Facing such a pure force of nature using only your own will to keep you grounded, this is how we live well, weathering the storm and sailing to the other side. You will never know what you are capable of until you let yourself be put to the test. Allowing yourself to get caught up in the protective vortex of your parents prevents you from living to the best of your abilities. They can’t seem to see that so it’s up to you to show them the way.
George is Digismak’s reported cum editor with 13 years of experience in Journalism