Sunday, October 24

My husband wants a threesome. I do not. What I can do? | Life and Style


I have been married for 11 years old and we have two happy children; it has been amazing. But my husband has now he told me he wants a threesome. I’m really trying to understand what you are looking for; after a week of long conversations, believe what you really wants is more experiences. He says he doesn’t want to leave me or the boys, and he still loves us very much.

I was 22 when we got married and we had a couple of threesomes in the early days.. Since our recent conversation, I I have given him everything that can, and more. But he still wants to see other people.; he understands that he will destroy me, and so he wants my permission. I can’t give you that – It wouldn’t be honest. Deep down, I know that if a situation were to occur, he would seize the opportunity and to cheat. Where I am go from here?

You didn’t mention how old you were when you got married, as if only your age was relevant. But if they were a similar age when they both settled down, I’m sure they gave up a few things to do that. I also assume that the threesome he is suggesting is with a partner that suits him, rather than you.

I have spoken to Silva neves, a sex and relationship psychotherapist, (cosrt.org.uk), about your problem. “I have a feeling,” he said, “that you think the option you have is to accept a threesome or that he cheats. That is not a choice; they are two unwanted options. ”Neves also said that by flooding him with attention and sex (a common reaction),“ you are in cahoots with him; you are meeting his needs at the expense of yours. ”We were both concerned that this would appear to be a theme in your longest letter; you mentioned that you had threesomes early in your marriage, but you were drunk at the time. “It doesn’t sound like it was something you wanted to do,” Neves said. “But something you did to please him, forgetting your own needs. “

Marriage and long-lasting relationships are all about commitment, but not to the point of unhappiness. There’s nothing wrong with a polyamorous relationship, if that’s what you want, but there’s also nothing wrong with wanting a monogamous relationship. Did you talk about this before you got married, about what it means to be married to both of you? Has he changed his mind or have you?

Neves also wondered if her husband was going through a little existential crisis. “As we grow old [and that’s relative: your husband is young, but may feel he’s getting old], we can have a sense of loss of our youth, a sense of wanting to maintain our sexual potency, our freedom. ”And that is a ripe ground to see all that you have missed instead of all that you have done.

At this point, Neves said, it may seem that the problem is monogamy: “If only I could have more partners / sexual affairs, etc., I would not feel so old / I would not feel this loss.” Some people navigate these stages better than others. It sounds like “instead of learning to accept or even cry for what you haven’t had, you are projecting [what he perceives to be] their sense of deprivation about you and your marriage. But this is not fair because these are their problems, not yours.

“A respectful relationship is about being aware of what we are doing and realizing that whatever decision we make will have an impact on our partners. At the moment, it seems that her husband wants something that is incompatible with his happiness, “Neves added.

To do? Right now you disagree and are married with two children, so it’s worth trying to figure this out.

“Invite him to be a team, you and him,” Neves said. “See if you can sit down together and say, ‘Let’s look at our story.’ Find gratitude in your marriage: yes, you haven’t had any more experiences [either of you], but look what you’ve accomplished: you have two great kids, etc. “Do you really want to jeopardize that?

Only you can decide if there is some kind of commitment that you are comfortable with, but remember that what you feel and what you want also matters. Don’t be fooled into saying yes to something you don’t agree with – doing this won’t be the end of your problems, just the beginning of new ones.

Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a problem related to the family submitted by a reader. For advice from Annalisa on a family matter, send your issue to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets not being able to establish personal correspondence. Presentations are subject to our terms and conditions.

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