My boyfriend and I have been together for five years; I am in my 20s and he is in his 30s. We met a few months after my previous relationship ended and we have been very happy.. Last year, we moved overseas and have grown closer, learning more about each other, what we need from each other, and how to discuss effectively.. We passed the first confinement, just the two of us, in a new country, and he left stronger.
However, for the past few months we have been discussing whether we want to get married and have children.. We have talked about it openly and we agree that we are not sure. We feel as if our relationship is almost perfect, but not quite. We are not particularly passionate: we have sex relatively regularly, but don’t get as excited as we would have liked. Why we does not see our future together as inevitable, and we can imagine a future apart, we care that it is a signal something is wrong.
None of these problems It’s new, I’ve felt them for a while and I think he has done it too; they are simply more important now that we are considering our future. And while I am not desperate to have children in this point, I am aware of my biological clock, and I don’t want to face this decision in another five years when it feels too late.
I do not want to lose a great relationship, but I still don’t want to end up in a marriage that is not entirely 100% (like my parents did, then divorced, and now no talk to each other), if there is a possibility of something even more perfect. Where do I go from here?
While life’s decisions are good to think carefully about, they are not math problems with a definitive answer. Sometimes we just don’t know and we never have guarantees.
Sarah Calvert, Relationship Psychotherapist (cosrt.org.uk), he thought that the key to this could be in his last paragraph, when he talks about his parents. She felt that her problem had two levels: the superficial one, which concerned you and your boyfriend, but also “an underlying problem of relationships, expectations and fears. We learn about ourselves in our family of origin, and I wonder how your parents ‘relationship has impacted you. “You seem to be equating your parents’ relationship with divorce by not being 100%. Many relationships start out normal and are They come back astonishingly happy and successful; others start out looking perfect and end up devastated.
“Their relationship has a lot of positives,” Calvert said. “It may be worth seeing the pressure you are putting on to do well; You seem to feel that if you are going to commit, you must commit to a perfect, ‘forever’ relationship. “
She went on to say that, “When we are contemplating a long-term commitment, if we have grown up with difficult relationships, we may find ourselves becoming super vigilant as a protection against pain. But this is due to past pain, not necessarily current experience. “
Calvert suggested that you think about the type of relationship you want: “What are the important qualities that you and your partner want, and what is missing? You say that passion is lacking now, is there a way to inject more? “Seeing a relationship and sex counselor can help. However, Calvert cautioned,” Preventing the end of a relationship can affect how present and available one is, and an unconscious retention often manifests as a lack of passion and wish”.
He also explained that having a vision of an idealized relationship can be a way to protect yourself, that is, “This is not perfect, I must find one that is”, and in doing so, never settle down.
Neither of us can tell you if this relationship will survive or if the problems you speak of are harbingers of a breakup. There are many days between now and the legendary “five-year time” you speak of. If this relationship feels good for now, can you afford to enjoy it for the foreseeable future? Because another way of thinking about it is: why break up now?
However, I can tell you this: you are not your parents. Although that is a great fear that many people have, we are separate entities, with our own options and futures. And that you and your boyfriend can see yourselves as separate beings whose future neither depends on the other, nor is inevitably united, smells like two very healthy people to me.
• Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a problem related to the family submitted by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa on a family matter, please send your problem to [email protected] Annalisa regrets that she cannot establish personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions – see gu.com/letters-terms.
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