Headlines that include the words “spiders” and “invade” are not generally harbingers of good news. Such was the case Wednesday when this headline appeared on USA TODAY’s website: “A spider as big as the palm of your hand could soon invade the East Coast, scientists say.”
After courageously screaming and checking my legs, because it sure felt like spiders were crawling on them, I read the story. In retrospect, that was a terrible mistake.
My life will now be divided into two parts: the time before I knew there was a 3-inch-long, parachuting, yellow-striped spider invading the East Coast and the time after I knew there was a 3-inch-long, parachuting , yellow-striped spider invading the East Coast.
‘Nothing we can do stop them’
According to a recent story in the University of Georgia publication UGA Today: “The Joro spider first arrived stateside around 2013 and has since spread across the state and Southeast. But new research from the University of Georgia suggests the invasive arachnids could spread through most of the Eastern Seaboard of the US There’s really nothing we can do to stop them.”
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It’s that last line in particular – the one that effectively surrenders to the inevitability of a large spider invasion – that leads me to the following sensible conclusion: Everyone along the East Coast should immediately move to the Midwest.
I realize it’s not easy to pick up your lives and abandon the places you’ve called home, but as a Midwestern resident, I assure you we have plenty of room and an enviable lack of giant parachuting spiders. (I haven’t yet cleared this with the farmers who own all the open land, but I’m sure they’ll be fine with it. Midwestern generosity and whatnot.)
A move to the Midwest was inevitable
If we’re being honest, with climate change and rising sea levels, you all were going to have to head out this way eventually. So maybe consider the pending spider invasion the kick in the pants you needed to get out of there and move to soon-to-be oceanfront property in Iowa or Indiana.
While that may sound like an extreme reaction, listen to what the scientist/spider sympathizers are saying about the influx of Joros.
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Andy Davis, a research scientist at the University of Georgia’s Odum School of Ecology, is quoted in the university story: “People should try to learn to live with them. If they’re literally in your way, I can see taking a web down and moving them to the side, but they’re just going to be back next year.”
QUE?!?! You want me to “learn to live” with a 3-inch-long brightly colored spider that can lay an egg sack containing up to 1,500 eggs and spins webs as wide as 10 feet! That’s like saying, “Hey, Rex, we’re going to put this chupacabra in your basement. It’s a horrifying creature with a weakness for blood, just learn to live with it.”
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At this juncture, I want to make it abundantly clear that while I will put my house on the market and move to a hotel at the sight of a spider, I don’t in any way advocate killing spiders. They play a crucial role in nature and are rarely guilty of more than just being spiders. Human squeamishness is no excuse for wanton arachnid slaughter.
Confronting a Joro spider
Also, if I was confronted with a spider like the Joro – say I found one standing idly next to the coffee maker smoking a cigarette – I would be unable to kill it for the following reasons:
1. The sound a 3-inch spider would make if I squished it would likely scar me for life.
2. There’s a strong possibility I would attempt to squish it with a spatula or wooden spoon or nearby boot and wind up missing and striking myself in the groin region.
3. Part of me would fear Joro spiders actually hunt in packs and several other Joros would jump me the minute I took a swing at their friend.
Consider this entirely non-reassuring part of the USA TODAY story on the Joro invasion: “The size of the spider may frighten people, but experts say they shouldn’t worry. They are poisonous, but they don’t bite humans unless they are cornered. Plus, their fangs don’t penetrate human skin.”
Oh great. That should help people all up and down the East Coast sleep better at night.
Look, to all my East Coast friends, I’m sorry your part of the country is turning into the plot of an upcoming Netflix horror film in which I play “guy who sees Joro spider and runs away screaming.”
I strongly suggest you submit to the spiders, pack your bags and come to the great Midwest. We are a welcoming people, and you’ll be amazed at the wide array of things we deep fry.
Good luck, watch your backs and don’t ever invite me over because I’m not coming.
Follow USA TODAY columnist Rex Huppke on Twitter @RexHuppke and Facebook: facebook.com/RexIsAJerk/
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George is Digismak’s reported cum editor with 13 years of experience in Journalism