“The country is slowly emerging from a crisis that gripped not just America but the entire world,” Stephen Colbert said Tuesday night, “and we are still examining the damage from this unprecedented plague that he lost to Joe Biden. On November 3”.
Colbert delved into recently released damning details of the Congressional investigation of the Jan. 6 attack on Capitol Hill by a pro-Trump mob in a “woefully ongoing” segment called “Exactly What I Thought, But Worse Than I Imagined.”
The Senate dropped its 127-page report Tuesday detailing security breaches during the attack, the product of more than three months of interviews, hearings and the review of thousands of pages of documents. “Of course, everyone saw it on TV like it happened on January 6, which makes this the weird book they made the movie in first,” Colbert joked.
“Because the leadership did not take the threat seriously, the Capitol police were not prepared,” he explained, pointing to an officer’s testimony that he overheard a lieutenant repeatedly ask on the radio “Does anyone have a plan?” as rioters besieged the Capitol.
“Oh, someone had a plan,” Colbert replied, “and he sat in the Oval Office pounding a bucket of chicken while his followers carried it out.”
The report, however, “strangely” forgot to address any role played by the former president in fomenting the unrest. “He’s the only reason the attack happened in the first place!” Colbert exclaimed. “That’s like talking about Christmas Eve and never mentioning Santa. Who did you leave the cookies and milk for? Rudolph the red-eyed rat?
On the Daily Show, Trevor Noah explained a sharp turn in the fortunes of the cryptocurrency bitcoin, whose value has soared in recent weeks amid crackdowns by China and the Internal Revenue Service. The cryptocurrency has also found an unlikely critic in Donald Trump, who call bitcoin a “scam” in a recent appearance on Fox Business Network.
“I would have thought Trump would be a huge bitcoin fan,” Noah said. “I mean, it’s a way to hide dirty money and destroy the environment at the same time. What’s not to like?
“But keep in mind that just because Trump calls it a scam doesn’t mean he’s against it,” Noah added. “It just means that he’s probably working on his own version. As I say, there is a 99% chance that by the end of the year the Trump coin will present. ‘It may look like a Chuck-E-Cheese token, and you can only use it on Chuck-E-Cheese, but that’s called a blockchain.’
Bitcoin’s value also plummeted thanks to news Monday that the justice department attorney 63.7 bitcoins, the equivalent of $ 2.7 million, half of the ransom paid by the Colonial pipeline to Russian hackers following a ransomware attack that paralyzed gas lines in the southeastern United States. “This is a huge blow to bitcoin’s reputation,” Noah explained, as the signature of the coin is its alleged untracebility. “I mean, untraceable bitcoin is like Superman without powers. Now you are disgusting in these underwear on the outside.
“Bitcoin is facing a lot of headwinds right now,” he added, “from increased regulation to being tracked by the FBI on the internet like he’s a black guy in a department store.”
And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel joked about a series of extreme natural events, from heat waves in many parts of the United States to the appearance of cicadas. “It’s never a good sign when the weather forecast ends with ‘just as the Bible predicted,’ but it has been happening,” Kimmel said.
Cicadas have invaded parts of the eastern United States after 17 years underground, seeking to mate “like a bunch of horny teens on dance night,” Kimmel joked. “They are an interesting creature: the reason they all come out at the same time is because it makes it impossible for predators to eat them all at once. It’s like bottomless breadsticks in the Olive Garden, but for the bugs.
“Between Covid, the heat, and these cicadas, it’s like someone has figured out an algorithm to make sure we never leave the house,” he added. “I suspect Netflix is behind this.”
George is Digismak’s reported cum editor with 13 years of experience in Journalism