Friday, April 12

Stephen Colbert on possible Russian war crimes: ‘Save time and pull the “possible” out of that sentence’ | Late night TV roundup

Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert celebrated the Late Show’s bandleader Jon Batiste on Monday evening, a day after Batiste won five Grammys, including album of the year for We Are. “I’m not surprised at all that Jon won album of the year,” the host said. “You know who was surprised? Jon.”

“You can tell he didn’t expect to go on stage because he wore his most casual rhinestone bishop’s vestments,” Colbert said of Batiste’s sparkly outfit, worn for his album of the year acceptance for the ceremony’s finale.

During his acceptance speech, Batiste spoke of his lifelong love of music: “I love music. I’ve been playing since I was a little boy. It’s more than entertainment for me; it’s a spiritual practice.”

“That’s lovely,” said Colbert. “Also, I’d like to apologize to Jon for interrupting his spiritual practice for years with jokes about Rudy Giuliani’s wine-soaked buffoonery.”

Ukrainian president Volodymyr Zelenskiy also appeared at the Grammys in a pre-taped address, and urged viewers to support Ukraine. “Fill the silence with your music!” he said. “Fill it today. To tell our story.”

“Adding ‘But not you, Kanye, we’re dealing with enough already,’” joked Colbert.

Colbert then checked in on the war in Ukraine, where Russia has almost completely retreated from the area surrounding Kyiv. “That is good news, admittedly, but now that they’ve pulled out, the world is getting a close look at the horrific path of destruction the Russians have left behind,” he said.

Colbert wouldn’t show any footage as it’s “not safe for humans” but Ukrainian officials described the destruction as “genocide” and have launched an investigation into possible Russian war crimes. “I’m going to save everybody some time and pull the ‘possible’ out of that sentence,” said Colbert. “It’s for sure war crimes. Investigation done. It’s settled.”

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“Let’s move on to something less obvious,” he continued, “like figuring out if a bear poops in the woods, of course if it’s a Russian bear they call it a Special Military Defecation.”

seth meyers

On Late Night, Seth Meyers tore into Mike Pence, who appeared on Fox News on Saturday and claimed that “President Biden has done more damage to America than any president in modern history.”

“Wow, how strict is your definition of modern history?” Meyers wondered, breaking out his Pence impression: “Modern history is everything since The Slap. Then from 900 AD to The Slap, that’s the middle ages.”

“Seriously, man, what’s your deal?” I have continued. “You’re still trying to win over Trump voters? They stormed the Capitol and they chanted ‘hang Mike Pence.’ That’s you! You’re like a guy who gets a fake number from a woman at a bar and keeps calling it hoping to get a date.”

“Maybe Pence thinks Biden is worse than Trump because he was asleep for the entire Trump presidency,” he mused, “which is possible given that every meeting he had his eyes closed like he was desperately hoping no one would notice him.”

“These Trump toadies are all such obsequious little worms, but Pence’s faux gravitas makes him that much more insufferable,” Meyers added. “The head-shaking, the solemn tone, the put-on folksy demeanor – he looks and moves like a Chuck-E-Cheese robot who tells the band to keep it down.”

Jimmy Kimmel

And in Los Angeles, Jimmy Kimmel mocked Donald Trump for ripping off his own White House photographer. Although it is customary for modern presidents to allow their photographer to profit from their work with post-office commemorative books, aides for Trump reportedly asked his White House photographer, Shealah Craighead, for a cut of her book deal.

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Trump’s office then told her to hold off on publishing her book, and published her photos before her for $75 a pop without photo credit. “Fortunately, she has a lot of pictures of the guy who robbed her, and he looks just like Donald Trump,” Kimmel quipped.

“Two least surprising things about this story: one, Trump’s profiting from the work of someone else,” he added. “And two, the memoir he published about his time in office is a picture book.”

In other Trump news, the former president endorsed Sarah Palin for Congress over the weekend. As Trump said in a statement: “Sarah Palin is tough and smart and she will never back down.”

“Even for Trump, it’s impressive to fit three lies in an eleven-word sentence,” said Kimmel. “I guess the Masked Singer money dried up and Sarah is running for office. Trump endorsing Sarah Palin is like paste-eating endorsing glue-sniffing. It’s ridiculous.”

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