WWelcome to the 2020 Fiver Christmas Awards. We have long lost count of how many times we’ve done this, so don’t expect us to provide you with a number now. All we know is that there have been too many. You know it too. But despite the familiarity and futility of all this, despite the absolute state of 2020, we return. It’s a time-honored holiday tradition, like cookies, Christmas carols, and government U-turns. So here it is, Merry Christmas, everyone is struggling. Load up your glass with a generous gulp of your cheapest aftershave, fill it up with a bit of turps, scoop out the packet of tablets you should have taken for your back pain a few months ago but decided to save for the holidays and dive into a beautiful haze of delight, better to deal with the next few minutes of existence. Enjoy enjoy.
THE DAVID COOTE AWARD FOR VAR-RELATED BUZZKILL
Here we are, then, with every celebration now engaged, fans and gamers alike wondering what minimal infraction, invisible to the naked eye, will be discovered by some glaikit-faced bureaucrat desperate to find any reason to spoil everyone’s fun. Can we celebrate now? Just look at Scottish hero David Marshall, forced to wait for the check after his heroic penalty save against Serbia, the natural pace of the most euphoric moment of his career. We could blame the officials who spend hours measuring everyone’s armpit hair length while missing out on career-threatening manic lunges, or the mandarins who approved of all this technology in the first place. But this one goes to all the pompous techno-riders who know the price of everything but the value of nothing, and proselytized for this fiasco for years. All of this is up to them. Pieces of work, each and every one.
THE LIONEL MESSI AWARD FOR THE GREATEST FALLEN GIANT
Granny Fiver remembers a long time ago, back in the 70s and 80s, when Barcelona were nothing more than a laughable shame, kicking people around, putting on a perennial show of themselves in Europe, miles away from Real Society in the league. . Hey, at least they didn’t have fancy ideas. Now here we are all back, with the so-called superclub behind the Basques in La Liga by six points, having already lost to the two Madridistas, Cádiz and Getafe, who are less a football club, more an abrupt exhortation to make one. But of course everything pales in comparison to that 8-2, a game in which Bayern Munich could have scored 13 or 14 goals. Barça, more than a club, is fine. More than a shower.
DOMINIC CUMMINGS AWARD FOR FACING LIKE A MAN
As Manchester United captain, Harry Maguire racked up over 200 hours of brutally honest post-match deconstruction, in which he raised his hands, clashed, promised to do better and admitted that he is not good enough for a club like Manchester. United. Every minute he delivered in a serious tone while wearing the politician’s gravely concerned frown. Bravura performances.
THE KENT COUNTY COUNTY COUNCIL AWARD FOR ADROIT TRUCK DRIVING
And it’s another £ 80 million gong, Harry Maguire!
THE LEEDS-BLACKEYE ROVERS-LEICESTER AWARD FOR DEFENSE OF DETERMINED TITLE
Hats off to Liverpool, whose absurd 7-2 loss at Aston Villa was so complete that Jack Grealish could have played most of the game with a slipper on one foot and a sandal on the other, just as he did. when they made him feel his neck. during lockdown. It was the worst result suffered by a reigning top flight champion since Arsenal lost 7-1 at Sunderland in 1953. Speaking of which …
ERIC CANTONA AWARD FOR EXCELLENCE IN CUSTOMER SERVICE
Eric Dier, who calmly walked into the stands at Tottenham Hotspur Stadium with a view to engaging in a Socratic dialogue with someone who was shaking his neck too freely. Imagine the look on our brave critic’s face as a six-foot-two-inch professional athlete purposely hopping over row after row of seats, breathing through his nose, with a view to delivering a for what! The Fiver portrays Withnail, seconds after asking who in the Mother Black Cap had called Marwood a “perfumed ponce”.
THE ROBBIE SAVAGE AWARD FOR FILLING THE AIR WAVES WITH NO MEANING
Before the recent Palace-Spurs match, Roy, a man pathologically reluctant to use 10 words when a thousand is enough, was asked his opinion of the duo in the form of Harry Kane and Son Heung-min. “They are just good players. Good players are good players and good players are Good players. “An insight into the philosophies and intellectual processes that have served him well during all those trophy-laden years in Halmstads and Malmö, from Orebo to Neuchatel Xamax, to the Swiss national team and beyond.
THE RICHARD NIXON AWARD FOR VALEDICTORAL SPEECH OF THE YEAR
The one that José Mourinho has already composed in his head, word for word, to be delivered when Spurs win the title next May. A smorgasbord of savory dishes best served cold.
THE PETER ALLISS MEMORIAL AWARD FOR GETTING OFF THE COURT IN A GENUINELY FUN WAY
Ally McCoist goes with this one, for her version of Pope’s grumpy, grumpy Newc O’Rangers forward Alfredo Morelos, caught taunting as the loving son of Marlon Brando and Billy Idol by taking the hook against Dundee United. “I would like to spend a night with him at the comedy club. Just to see if we could get a little reaction. A little Christmas night at the comedy club. Would you like a little of that, Alfredo? I can guarantee that there has never been a joke on any cookie that made him smile. “
THE PETER WALTON AWARD FOR UNCONDITIONAL AGREEMENT
Yes, that is correct.
THE SAM KINISON MEMORIAL AWARD FOR PERFORMATIVE ANGER
All the guys at AFTV, some of whom are starting to get seriously concerned now. Nothing good can come of doing this, especially since things could be so much worse. When Len Shackleton did it for the Gunners in that aforementioned 1953 win, Arsenal stayed at the bottom of the First Division with just two points after eight games. Compared to that, Mikel Arteta’s mob is on easy street. The 1953 vintage finished the season comfortably in 12th place, so history tells us there’s no need to lose your mind so spectacularly just yet. Would any of you like a good hug? We will give you a nice hug.
THE FRIEDRICH HAYEK AWARD FOR MARXIST CRITICISM
The neoliberal thinktank fan group Millwall FC, which just before the start of the Derby County game convincingly defended laissez-faire capitalism over centrally planned economies, arguing that the absence of price signals under a socialist structure compromises the efficiency with which goods and services are provided and distributed, while admitting a certain irony inherent in the collectivist character of their protest.
THE MARCUS RASHFORD MAN OF THE YEAR AWARD FOR THE NON-MARCUS RASHFORD MAN OF THE YEAR
Boris Johnson. Because every superhero needs a villainous rival to contend with. Think Batman and the Joker, Luke and Darth Vader, Winston Churchill and … ah, well, you get it.
DIEGO ARMANDO MARADONA COMMEMORATIVE AWARD FOR PETER SHILTON’S ANNOYANCE
Gazza, a man who knows a thing or two about unique, complex, misunderstood and loved geniuses. paying your respects to El Diego on whatever TV-AM is called now. “He was an icon. It was magical! Many people speak of the Hand of God. Anyway he did Peter Shilton. Shilts, he made you that target. ”On the other side of the split screen, a gaping Shilton sat staring straight ahead in grim silence, gently simmering, almost as if he had just received news of a deal, and we had ceded the rights to all the fish.
THE PAOLO ROSSI COMMEMORATIVE AWARD FOR THE MOST ICONIC WORLD CUP HAT TRICK OF ALL TIME
With the utmost respect for Geoff Hurst, this is for the great Italian himself. Especially since all his goals against Brazil in Spain 82 definitely entered.
BUMPER UNIQUE SPECIAL RADIO AND TV FESTIVE: ALL THE HIGHLIGHTS OF THE CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR PERIOD
Good yes. You’re kidding, right?
MAIL! MAIL! MAIL!
Send your emails, gifts and Christmas cards to [email protected]
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR, WE WILL BE BACK ON… OOF, MONDAY, JANUARY 4
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