Northnews that “bets have been suspended“In the next James Bond he suggests only one thing: Britain is on the mend. You will be well aware that the health of the spy and fuck franchise is somehow seen as mystically intertwined with the health of the nation – a normal country, where people obsess over normal things. The Bond franchise is, in all respects that matter, the last truly successful British institution and consequently a little more attention is paid to who runs it than who runs more dysfunctional sagas, such as the Sharknado movies or The Party. Labor.
The latest actor linked to the role is Bridgerton’s Regé-Jean Page, who prompted an enterprising bookmaker to issue a statement containing both weapons grade nonsense and helpful notes on the characters. “Following the announcement that Regé-Jean Page has stepped down from his role as Simon Basset, Bridgerton’s mysterious young suitor,” he thundered, “all bets on the next James Bond market have been suspended.”
By pure chance, I read this on Wednesday, just as I was doing my civic duty and sitting glued to my 7,000th press conference on coronavirus last year, in which some scientists were explaining the risks of blood clots. It was like being struck by lightning: the news of Bond, I mean, not the news that there was a 0.000095% probability of developing a rare blood clot with the AstraZeneca jab.
At that exact moment, last year’s spell was broken. I watched TV and thought: where am I? What am I doing? I can’t believe it’s CLOSE to this level of content absolutely impossible to watch on a Wednesday afternoon. The production values are abysmal, and I’m really done insisting that these people are iconic characters just because one of them Once said “Rip off his pants.” Thanks for all the science, really, thanks, but in terms of television, this is more of a quality control failure than the time I saw Theresa May lose the Brexit votes three nights in a row. It’s even worse than when I watched every episode of The Newsroom. Have a little respect for yourself, love and indulge in Escape to the Country.
Look, if I happen to be the only one in a million who dies when I get my jab, I want the following line to be recorded: “Friends say he recently remembered the things that really matter and spent his last days watching reruns, reading sensational news from showbiz about extremely attractive young people and sending desperately unserious WhatsApps about all this. “
That it was the news of Bond that precipitated the awakening was no coincidence. As stated, it has been clear for a few years that when we talk about the Bond franchise, we are really talking about the UK. After all, Bond’s main terror is that he may become irrelevant. Each release is preceded by weeks of articles asking “Will Bond still be relevant?” in a way that makes you think that the real request is: “Please tell me that we still deserve that seat on the UN security council.” I really enjoyed a Daily Telegraph headline this week announcing that “Regé-Jean Page’s modern masculinity is exactly what Bond needs to remain relevant.” This is Bond as a global free-trade powerhouse, capable of striking his own deals as a rule-maker, not a rule-taker. I look forward to future headlines like “No social distancing for Bond!” and “You can’t do THAT in a muzzle.”
As for who takes the mantle, the UK’s insistence on seeing itself as infinitely fascinating and complicated results in Bond’s paper being written as if it were an artistic challenge of quite unrivaled complexity. And yet we’ve never had Daniel Day-Lewis knock on Barbara Broccoli’s door, have we? Roger Moore raising an eyebrow at the snake in Octopussy and saying “Hiss off” is, to me, the technical challenge that every potential Bond should be forced to run in their screen test.
Daniel Craig has always come out in the interview as a little too great for the franchise, with each outing as the super spy who gets to fuck hot chicks in six-star hotels sadly accompanied by endless complaints about training. regimen required to get you in shape for it. For the last couple of pitches, even his personal trainer he’s been on the promotional circuit, which I think we can all live without.
I don’t imagine that we would understand this nonsense with Regé-Jean Page, who seems like he would be as amused as he was excited to find himself in a Bond movie. My firm opinion is that the ideal Bond gets the joke, doesn’t take himself entirely seriously, has extremely flexible eyebrows, and has a word for 0.000095% risk: “safe.” It goes without saying that these are also the qualities that every living Briton should aspire to, perhaps now more than ever.
George is Digismak’s reported cum editor with 13 years of experience in Journalism