Is it possible to let it go? Is there someone else who can help you? Could you put it off for a week?
At each of these and similar inquiries, Mary gave a firm shake of her head and an even firmer “no”.
This was a pattern. Our sessions had a real “groundhog day” feeling. Mary would arrive looking harassed and tired, telling me how frantic her week had been and how much there was to do.
We try troubleshooting and planning, prioritizing, and all kinds of productivity hacks. Nothing changed.
Mary’s struggle was all too familiar to him. It reminded me of many other high achievers I have worked with who had sought help for burnout, health problems, or burnout. One of its hallmarks is the seemingly endless resources of sand.
American psychologist Angela Duckworth is known for her research on the sand phenomenon:
Determination involves working hard toward challenges, maintaining effort and interest for years despite failure, adversity, and stalls in progress.
His studies indicate that determination is more predictive of success and achievement in areas such as education and business than intelligence or natural ability. Greater determination is associated with people holding their own through tough times and staying on the job longer. Interestingly, research also indicates that those with the greatest determination are happier and more satisfied with their lives. This finding was certainly not valid for Mary. Is there a downside to having too much sand?
2015. study found that people with high levels of determination often persist in difficult tasks to their own detriment. The participants had to solve as many puzzles as they could, but some of the puzzles were unsolvable. Braver people spent more time trying to solve unsolvable puzzles and solved less overall than their less brave counterparts. The researchers’ conclusion? Knowing when to quit smoking is valuable.
Talking about this knowledge on an intellectual level is one thing. Translating it into a felt sense that some change is possible is much more difficult.
One of the changes in my work with Mary came after a good discussion about strengths and vulnerabilities. We often use our strengths to protect ourselves from experiencing our vulnerabilities. Perhaps I overindulge at work to keep feelings of vulnerability at bay, or I reserve social commitments to avoid realizing that I am lonely. It’s smart coping, but it has a downside. Overuse of strengths can mean that we can rely on them too much, or use them too often, or fail to notice that they are no longer as useful.
Mary’s courage was definitely a strength and it was definitely overused. Gently, to make sure we didn’t trigger too much emotional distress, we brainstormed what courage might be protecting her from. Mary’s protections reminded me again of other great achievers: protecting her from asking for help; protect her from feeling vulnerable or out of control; protecting her from feeling like she had somehow failed if she didn’t accomplish every challenge.
Another important idea was to help Mary recognize that she lives and works in an environment that reinforces determination. Our Western culture celebrates the qualities of perseverance and effort. We love stories of people who triumph over adversity of all kinds.
We are also quick to criticize anyone who seems to “give up.” Basketball great Michael Jordan declared: “If you stop smoking once, it becomes a habit. Never give up. “Failing to persevere is considered the” soft option “or taking the easy path.
For Mary, moving away from over-determination had to be an individual journey, but also a shared experience. Another young woman I worked with who was a successful athlete gave a presentation on the value to her team and coaches to spark better conversations about perseverance and also recovery, when to push and when to pause. When we freely talk about our struggles with family, colleagues, and friends, we are better able to identify when someone else, or ourselves, might need a gentle nudge to pause rather than nudge. This means that it is not necessary for us to walk the path alone.
We know of psychological research that we are more likely to be successful and improve our well-being with new behaviors if we seek to “add” rather than eliminate (ie, set a goal of “approach” rather than a goal of “avoidance”). Supporting Mary to practice some active “letting go”, asking for help, learning to ease how much she could do in one day, and finding new hobbies that relate more to experiences and being rather than accomplishments all helped create something. small shifts. And my athlete dropped out of competition for a period of time to study and have more time with friends. When he returned, his form and performance were better than ever.
If you are too determined, I hope reading this gives you permission to communicate with yourself (and maybe others). Is this useful for me? When is it not? What else could I do instead? And what other strategies could I learn to improve my well-being rather than deplete it?
Interested in how “brave” you are? Take Angela Duckworth’s sand poll here.
www.theguardian.com
George is Digismak’s reported cum editor with 13 years of experience in Journalism